My Other Mother

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My Other Mother

I recently had an experience where I caught a glimpse of my mother from an outsider’s perspective. It happens sometimes and it reminds me that my mother is a multi-dimensional person. Just like the rest of us…she isn’t all bad or all good, she’s a complicated mix. I have written quite a bit about the bad stuff – the drunk, raging, dysfunctional mother and now I want to share another side.

A few days ago, I had lunch with my “other mother” at a student dinning hall at the University of Pennsylvania. When she 40 she decided that she wanted to go to college and prove to everyone that she wasn’t stupid. She started local at a community college where she aced her way through two years and graduated with induction into Phi Theta Kappa.

Her grades and her personal narrative were so compelling that she got a scholarship to the University of Pennsylvania. Her initial thought was that she would complete her B.A. with a law degree as the ultimate goal and somewhere she switched to history and psychology. She did graduate from University of Pennsylvania and attended one year of graduate school at Bryn Mawr College.

We found ourselves in Philadelphia for one of her doctor appointments. I insisted on driving her because she is not a great driver and I thought public transportation would overwhelm her. So we were walking from the medical facility toward campus and she mentioned that she wished she could give “them” more money. I turned toward her and said “what” rather forcibly……WTF was strongly implied. In my mind the coffers of the ivies is always so damn full and my mother is broke. She lives in a house I bought but she still has utility bills. She is on Medicaid and has no discretionary income, zero. Then she went on to say how she learned so much about women and other cultures around the world during her education. How her time there was a bit Dickens….”It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”. Clearly she just wanted to pay it forward to another woman that she will never meet and my tone softened.

I admit it, I am a hard ass around my mother. Impatient, suspicious, not trusting on any level, my armor is always up around her and I can be an obstinate jerk. I know this and I willed myself to be patient and oblige her wish for lunch on campus despite the growing list of sh*t I had to do that day. After all, I don’t know if she will get another chance to stroll down this particular neighborhood of memory lane and I didn’t want to begrudge her that request.

I could feel the pride of her accomplishment that hour. She went on about how this changed and that was the same. She wanted to eat in the hall of flags and peeked in on an event taking place in that room. That lunch she was reflecting on happy times and people that sadly have passed that helped her with that part of her journey.

During lunch I noticed that she was wearing her university ring. I got that ring for her as a graduation gift. I was in my early twenties, going to college and working two jobs to support myself. The money I used to pay for that ring was based on serious sweat equity and sacrifice. She told me that day it was the nicest gift anyone had every given her. I guess we both had something to be proud of that day.

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5 responses »

  1. Speaking as someone who also had a difficult mother-daughter relationship, it’s heartwarming to know there are some good moments amidst the dross. Your mother is obviously intelligent and all the better for her higher education. A proud moment, for sure.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My mother was sweet and nurturing, but like most mothers and daughters, we had our issues with each other. She is now 91 and I am embarrassed to say that I have to force myself to be patient with her. As a result, I’m the child in charge of her “papers” and my younger sister is the nurturing one. Taking your mother to lunch at Penn was such a generous act. It has inspired me to try to be more understanding and patient with my mother.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow! You gave me lots of pause for thought here. I saw myself and my attitude toward my own mother. Sadly, we didn’t get to connect on a human to human level until she was far down the dementia road. Some days, she would talk about life and things she remembered, and caught glimpses of a woman I’d never known or appreciated. For both of us, at least we’ve seen that side and had pause for thought. Brenda

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Brenda – It is a gift when I can look at her as just a woman and not my mother. As a human being I can respect and appreciate her struggles so much more. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

      Like

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