Not Today Satan.

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Not Today Satan.

I own my crazy, do you? Let’s face it we are all a little nuts and the ones who think they are 100% A-OK are usually the most F’ed up among us. Don’t ask me to back that up with science and stats, it’s a personal theory based on decades of life experience. The truth is sometimes my brain is an over ripe imagination machine that can make something enjoyable frightening as hell.

Perfect example, last night I took a steam shower. When we bought this house 8 years ago we did some renovations. Top of the list was pimping out the master bath. It’s my favorite room in the house. Travertine heated floors, a disco tub complete with whirlpool jets and lights – the only thing missing is a silver ball hanging from the ceiling. We also turned our shower into a car wash – multiple shower heads, barrel ceiling and a steam shower. In the time that we have lived here I’ve never taken a steam shower but last night I decided to give it a go.

It started out nice enough. I set the timer for 10 minutes and put the shower on to wash my hair before the steam took over. About 3 minutes in, the steam was on full blast and the thoughts in my head shifted from relaxation to Stephen Kingesque horror scenes.

First, I imagined a poisonous gas being mixed with the steam, it was hard to breath in there. Seriously, it was hot as hell and taking a deep breath took effort. I started to question why the hubs was so enthusiastic about me test driving the steam shower. Then I remembered that he still doesn’t do his own laundry and only gets his dishes to the sink about 20% of the time. He can’t possibly face the teen girl drama that awaits us for the next 7 years. Bottom line, he’s too cheap to replace me with a maid and a nurse and we still like each other most days. It’s not likely that he is trying to kill me, so I let that freak thought go.

The next gift from my imagination fairy was scorpions and deadly snakes. Keep in mind we don’t live in a climate where scorpions and deadly snakes are ubiquitous, my brain does not care. I knew the thoughts were ridiculous but that did not stop them from assaulting me. At one point I actually said “not today Satan” out loud and resisted the urge to stamp out imaginary deadly invaders.

Somehow I made it through the 7 minutes of terror with nary a bite or sting. I may have sweated off a pound of water weight so not an entirely bad experience. When we were getting ready for bed my husband asked me how the steam shower was….I made the mistake of telling him the insane thoughts that went through my brain. He just got a quizzical WTAF look on his face and I know he was wondering how his analytical mind underestimated my crazy two decades ago. Too late suckah!

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10 responses »

  1. You’re bath sounds awesome! As to owning our own crazy, here in the south, we don’t put our crazy relatives in homes, we put them on the front porch for everyone to see!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is my favorite read today. Hands down. Mostly, I think, because it is so much like what would happen in my own head. And the pairing of my super-logical husband with my unique kind of crazy sounds very similar. He definitely does not want to assume sold responsibility for cooking and the rearing of our strong-willed nine year old as she heads surely toward adolescence.And just this morning he couldn’t figure out where the hamper was to dump his boxers. So, you know…I think I’m safe as well.
    Wonderfully funny. Thanks! Came at just the moment I needed a laugh for sure.xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I started reading this one awhile back and got sidetracked. Love the title for starters! For some reason, I can’t like the post. Well, I do like the post, just can’t click the like button for some reason.
    I’m right there w you on the crazy train! My imagination takes off down that track and there’s no turning back. I won’t take my contacts out to sleep at night my my husband is traveling for this very reason.

    Liked by 1 person

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