Me: I’d like to file a missing function report.
Physician: What function?
Me: My metabolism, it seems to have vanished into thin air. I can’t find it anywhere.
Physician: Well your thyroid levels are fine. Are you sure you aren’t binge eating fast food and pretending to be a sloth several times a week.
Me: No and no. Today I ate an oat granola bar and a handful of black cherries and I’m pretty sure I gained weight. As for the sloth part, that’s adorable. I’m a mom of two teens, I run my own business and my husband thinks it’s 1950. I assure you I do not live the sloth lifestyle.
Physician: Perhaps try adding exercise to your routine.
Me: Also, adorable. I’ve been working out 3 to 4 times a week for literally 30 years. Push ups, planks, kick-boxing, horrific stuff doc. I’ve seen men leave the classes I take in tears…grown ass 30 year old men…tears.
Physician: Well you are in the range for menopause.
Me: Except that bitch Flo still shows up, usually at random unpredictable and highly inconvenient times. Last month it was on the beach…did you know that ladies rooms no longer have the machines for “essentials”. Hell, they don’t even offer paper hand towels anymore. That Dyson hand dryer was nifty but not very useful for my predicament. What else you got?
Me: I’ll see myself out.
Photo Credit: Jim Vallee, used under agreement with 123RF