Midlife Woman

Midlife Woman

Me: I’d like to file a missing function report.

Physician: What function?

Me: My metabolism, it seems to have vanished into thin air. I can’t find it anywhere.

Physician: Well your thyroid levels are fine. Are you sure you aren’t binge eating fast food and pretending to be a sloth several times a week.

Me: No and no. Today I ate an oat granola bar and a handful of black cherries and I’m pretty sure I gained weight. As for the sloth part, that’s adorable. I’m a mom of two teens, I run my own business and my husband thinks it’s 1950. I assure you I do not live the sloth lifestyle.

Physician: Perhaps try adding exercise to your routine.

Me: Also, adorable. I’ve been working out 3 to 4 times a week for literally 30 years. Push ups, planks, kick-boxing, horrific stuff doc. I’ve seen men leave the classes I take in tears…grown ass 30 year old men…tears.

Physician: Well you are in the range for menopause.

Me: Except that bitch Flo still shows up, usually at random unpredictable and highly inconvenient times. Last month it was on the beach…did you know that ladies rooms no longer have the machines for “essentials”. Hell, they don’t even offer paper hand towels anymore. That Dyson hand dryer was nifty but not very useful for my predicament. What else you got?

Physician: (silence)

Me: I’ll see myself out.


Photo Credit: Jim Vallee, used under agreement with 123RF





9 responses »

  1. I’m actually seeing my doctor next week for the exact same thing. I’m convinced it’s my thyroid, especially since I haven’t had a uterus for over two years so I have no idea about the whole menopause thing!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can *so* relate to this. I started putting on weight in my 40’s and realized things were changing. But I also had to take some active steps to reduce stress and to exercise LESS (well, running anyway) and do a little slower activity like yoga in order to maintain my weight. Turns out my over-exercising was probably inducing cortisol, a hormone that causes weight gain. I also added more fat to my diet, and started prioritizing my own health over work and everything else. It makes me wonder when you say your husband thinks it’s the 1950’s. Maybe he needs to do his share so you can have more time to relax and rest. Take good care of yourself, and honor your needs. We get so used to doing for others, we sometimes forget that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for visiting and commenting. I have scaled back a bit on exercise. I still workout regularly but I ease up on jumps and pushups when I need to – it is important to listen to your body. I definitely can not add fat to my diet as my cholesterol is high and I have a family history of heart disease. The hubs is good, I wrote that with affection not affliction. We do have a fairly traditional marriage…I cook, shop and clean which is never ending. However, he does home repairs and maintenance that I would never attempt so we’re equally busy. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.


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