Halloween is just a couple of weeks away. Have a party to attend or plan to follow some random kids and act like you’re taking them trick or treating so you can get free candy (no, I haven’t done that). Well, if you are in need of a costume, I have a few ideas:
Libtard – Dressed in all black form fitting clothing, they pull it off though because they run 47.8 miles a week. Holding a bottle of kombucha, sipping from a bamboo straw. Tosses sunflower seeds that have been re-engineered to look like snow flakes. Why yes they are sustainable, good for the environment and pleasing to the eye. The male version has a beard, the female version shows some arm pit hair. If you can’t find a black top just dig out that concert T-shirt from the 1997 Lilith Fair.
Brett Kavanaugh – This one’s easy – judicial robe, beer hat funnel and something protruding under the robe from the groin area. Oh and a spiral bound calendar from June of 1982 with “Beach Week” visible. Feel free to add your own spin on the calendar entries such as, assault random girl at house party 9pm June 17th.
Handmaid’s Tale – To avoid confusion I will have statements attached to the red robe:
- No, I’m not Little Red Riding Hood – read a f*cking grown up book once in a while.
- F*ck the Patriarchy! (No really, I have to f*ck the patriarchy, it’s not a choice)
- Help I’ve fallen into a dystopian nightmare and I can’t get up!
- Vote assholes so this doesn’t become my reality.
Native American Supporter – I don’t recommend making light of this crowd, haven’t we done enough damage here, colonizer. If you do attempt this for G-sake do not go for a traditional headdress or anything remotely close, you will botch that and be offensive. There is a simple solution just wear a shirt like this – Scared White Woman – Requires a basic outfit, with “Becky” embroidered somewhere, a pony tail is preferable and a cell phone is required. Calls the cops whenever she comes across two or more black people. She is indignant and frightened, sample call:
SWW: Hi…um, I’m calling because there is a situation here. There are some black children selling candy bars outside the grocery store. I don’t think they have a permit and I’m frightened.
Dispatch: That’s a probably a band fundraiser for the middle school ma’am, my kid is selling them too. Is there a banner or something, perhaps some sign?
SWW: Well, sure there is a banner with the school name on it but it could be a fake.
Dispatch: Is it just those two kids or are other people there?
SWW: I see a man wearing a jacket with the school logo on it, he seems OK, might be a teacher (barely audible: he’s white) and there are other children here.
Dispatch: And why are you calling about these two kids?
SWW: (Whisper screams)…they’re black!
Dispatch: I can’t help you. Seriously, I don’t think anyone can help you. Good day ma’am.
If you have the means, I highly recommend getting full size candy bars to hand out, you will be an instant rock star. Happy Halloween!