The Lonely Middle Years of Parenting

The Lonely Middle Years of Parenting

Parenting kids in middle and high school is such a complicated and lonely space to be in. When our kids are little we tend to share a lot about them. Holiday cards, social media posts, small playgroups, sports teams and parent clubs. The little cherubs happily pose for the camera without a whiff of self consciousness.

Somewhere around 5th grade things start to shift. The kids no longer want you to go public with what you think is cute. Concerns about privacy, social status and damage control start to creep into your thoughts. The kids disappear from your social media feed and you keep things under lock and key. The difficult stuff is whispered to your closest friends, a very limited set of eyes and ears. Even with those confidants the experiences are exhausting and isolating at times.

I’ve had days this past month that have absolutely gutted me. Pain for my child which housed a kaleidoscope of emotions; profound sadness, love, pit of my stomach fear, impatience and resignation. Fortunately the low points have been transient, replaced with more hopeful experiences, it goes in and out like the tide. I can only imagine the despair of families that reside in the muck for extended periods of time. I’m sure those parents are around me, they just aren’t talking about it.

The why of the reasons for not discussing things openly are a complicated stew of ego, protection, shame and insecurity. Shame that maybe we failed as a parent somehow – gave too much or too little. We were too involved or not vigilant enough. We haven’t properly adjusted the sails, we hit the gas when we should have braked and now we are spinning out of control.

The first inclination is protection. Protect the child at all costs from labels, embarrassment, bullies, the boogeyman, mistakes or misunderstandings that can negatively impact their future. That’s a tall order and some days I feel so small, minuscule, a speck of dust, insignificant. At this phase in their lives, your kids generally care more about friendships than family, at least temporarily. Another jagged pill to swallow, the person you want to help most in the world doesn’t necessarily want your assistance or your opinion. They will however, happily relieve you of $20. or the car keys when they start to drive.

Insecurity is the ghost that haunts us all whether we care to admit it or not. Insecurity is married to shame maybe not officially but they are at a minimum shacked up together. If I’m honest, this is the piece of parenthood I feared the most before we had kids. Knowing that I would make mistakes as all humans do. I also knew that making mistakes as a parent would cause me intense pain. Mind you I haven’t had colossal failures, just the usual varieties; having a more impatient tone than intended (this is called yelling), being a few months behind on the dental check up, and not being a constant shadow on their social media.

I’m sure some parents and kids skate through this phase without a pimple or a tear shed, I think those are the unicorns. Most of us take a deep breath and remind ourselves to have a friendly tone when we knock on our child’s bedroom door. We worry about over/under scheduling, setting reasonable expectations that neither diminish goals nor create neurotic overachievers. I’m still searching for that sweet spot of challenging my kids so they can bend without breaking.



6 responses »

  1. This is a horrible time for parents, it seems that we feel what they go through because of our deep emotional connection with our kids. I went through this with my youngest, it was difficult and excruciatingly painful to allow him to find how to deal with issues as you’ve mentioned above. It’s like watching them walk all over again, only this time we need to let them fall so when they’re adults, they can manage through tough times. I’m not saying it’s easy, it doesn’t matter how old our children get we still agonize over their well being, emotional state, insecurities etc. But if our kids are anything like us, they will make it through the dark times even if we are in the shadows ready to catch them if they fall.

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  2. Parenting angst ratchets up exponentially when your child suffers from mental illness. Proven parenting practices that promote proper teenage behavior become profusely problematic. When a child with bi-polar, no matter how mild, makes bad decisions or back-talks, Mom has to be careful not to revictimize the kid with punishment for behavior they can’t control….When a child with severe OCD refuses to clean her room, and instead lies (full of fear) crying in fetal position on her bed, the child needs therapy, meds, and understanding, not grounding…But none of this is automatically understood by a parent who suffered her own victimization in childhood. It’s a vicious cycle that requires vigilance, patience, and *money* to break. I feel you for sure Bryce. Fingers crossed that your kids are only “going through a phase.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. All I could really do is let him know I was there for him, and then sometimes he would talk about what he was going through, knowing there was no judgement. But then he went to uni, and that was even harder. I’d be like, “Have you thought about what you’re doing for the summer?” and he’d say, “Oh, I already have a job.” But he knows he can tell me everything if and when he wants to. I just really miss him needing me more than he does now, but I guess that’s a good thing:-)

    Liked by 1 person

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