Shut Up and Eat Mulch

Standard
Shut Up and Eat Mulch

Here’s a short list of the things that have annoyed me or occupied too much brain space this week. This is not an all inclusive list. I can’t write about the real sh*t that’s going on because I’m an adult with kids and bills and stuff. Also, those life things are boring and this is my alternate universe…

Vegan Leather – WTELF is this? I saw a vegan leather tag attached to a bag I recently purchased, I had to Google the term because I have a curious mind and left to my own devices I will make sh*t up. For example — in my version, vegan leather is the hide of a cow which previously practiced Vinyasa Yoga and sipped on the finest Tallgrass Kombucha whilst listening to chanting monks. Turns out that isn’t entirely accurate. Vegan leather is marketing code for fake wannabe leather….and worse yet, it is often accused of “greenwashing” (something else I had to Google FFS). Greenwashing is when a company pretends to be environmentally conscious but they aren’t. A lot of vegan leather is made from carbon-intensive toxins that botch the environment even more than the 4 legged burger makers so buyer beware.

Bullsh*t Ads – Ladies you know what I mean…the face creams that will erase every whiff of a wrinkle you ever had. The cellulite melting machine (10 minutes a day to melt that fat away!), the slimming tank tops that will help you shed 20 pounds around your belly and eliminate “rolls”, the undergarments that will give you the butt that Gawd denied you. Keep scrolling honey, it’s all lies. Guys get a d*ck -centric version of ads. They can age as long as everything works downtown. Words like – vitality, energy, strength & endurance litter their screens. The world is one big dumpster fire but it doesn’t stop us from wanting to look pretty or get laid (exhales).

Useless phone apps – My latest time suck is a game called Word Stacks. I should be embarrassed to admit this but I’m obsessed with this game. Every weekend they have tournaments that last 48 hours and I finish in the top 3 on the regular. Basically it’s word searches except you don’t know what words you are searching. You get a theme and look for words based on that. You also collect points for real words that aren’t in the search. I think I have been playing too much because while I was driving today I saw – TACOMA – on the back of a truck and my brain dissected it as follows: TAC, CAT, COM, MOC, COMA & AMO (pssst….I’m currently in first place with 7 hours and 28 minutes left).

Extreme diets – Sure you can eat 42 eggs a week and wash it down with 7 pounds of bacon, what could possibly go wrong? As long as you never get within 5 feet of a slice of bread, a glass of milk or Satan’s nectar (sugar),you’ll be fine. Gluten free, dairy free, flavor free, low carb, no carb, high protein, medium protein, macro/micro, kelp, keto, caveman, pescatarian, vegan, lacto/ovo vegetarians, straight up vegetarians, carnivores, herbivores, overbores, underbores (I made up those last two in case it got confusing) and fill-in-the-blank diet du jour. Just shut up and eat mulch.

I have to go now Master Word Stacks is calling me…Nonnie and GmaBoss are trying to catch up. A mere 500 points separates me (currently the leader) from second place, I can not let that happen and these words aren’t going to find themselves.

 

 

 

The featured image is from a book cover for Cow Yoga by Willow Creek Press. You can find it here Cow Yoga – I do not have an affiliation, it just seems right to include a link since it isn’t my art.

 

Advertisements

3 responses »

  1. I’m going to have to agree with you on the “vegan leather” thing, it’s ridiculous. And I’ll tell you why, if your a “vegan” then you shouldn’t wear any leather, at all, I mean NONE! So what that hell? Isn’t that hypocritical? Yes, yes it fucking is.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.