The yoga people are getting carried away. In the past six months I’ve received approximately 1,395 spam emails trying tempt me to go to yoga. They have gotten creative in their class offerings, including:

Goat Yoga – Yoga with goats – Yay! For $40. a class, you can do an activity you hate with an animal you like that may or may not kick you or butt you with their little goat head. Petting zoos are way cheaper and they have more goats, skip the yogi middle-man.

Dog Yoga – Yoga with dogs – Yay! For $40. you can take yoga with dogs that may or may not annoy you in ways that vary from how your own dog annoys you at home. Whenever anyone dances or hugs in my house our dog rushes in like a Bouncer in club who just witnessed a client get too handsy with the club owner’s girlfriend. It keeps public displays of affection to a minimum.

Bunny Bliss Yoga – Yoga with Bunnies – Yay! Oh FFS how many animals must we go through for the yogis of the world to realize that not everyone likes yoga. Pssst…if you can put together a baby hedgehog yoga, I’ll convert.

Rage Yoga – Apparently there is a yoga class where you can swear and drink bear…I can swear for free at home and I don’t drink beer, pass.

There’s also destination yoga. Because you should go on the road with an activity you loathe –

Beach Yoga – Get sand in places you couldn’t reach when you were 4.

Farm Yoga – Stretching with cows mooing and the pungent scent of manure as you breathe deep.

Yoga, Yoga, Yoga!!! – You watch the Her Sister’s Shadow episode of the Brady Bunch on repeat but instead of saying – “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!!!” you say “Yoga, Yoga, Yoga!!!” 70’s inspired workout wear is optional, Cindy Brady pigtails are mandatory (even the goats must comply)

 

I will not yoga in a barn

I will not yoga on a farm

I will not yoga on the beach

and stretch for places that I can’t reach

I will not yoga with goat

I will not yoga on a boat

I will not yoga when I swear

I will not yoga anywhere

Stop spamming me yoga fans

I will always have other plans

So keep your goats, bunnies and dogs

I’ll only yoga with hedgehogs