Confession

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Confession

I’m terrified. There I typed it, now maybe that useless-hell-bent-on-turning-me-into-a-raging-asshole emotion will take a respite now. I’m not terrified all the time, just when I try to sleep or allow the distractions of daily life to melt away so I can concentrate exclusively on all the shit that could possibly go wrong during my surgery. Actually it’s the post surgery chance of blood clots that gives me the willies. Blood clots are sneaky MFers and they do not discriminate. I’ve had some close calls with the bastards before so unlike the Boogeyman, I know they exist.

Obviously I haven’t shared this particular scenario with my kids because I suspect they have their own fears and I don’t need to add to that. So this is my safe space for venting the truth. My husband and I discussed it briefly, it’s amazing how much that man pretends to forget. Whenever you are asked to gather your Advanced Medical Directive, it’s a stone cold reminder of how temporary this life is for all of us. Having those reminders in my face is jarring.

It’s weird how we beat ourselves up, at least I do. I’d like to be some stoic champion that flows through life chakras all aligned and shit no matter what curve balls smack me in the face. Spoiler: I’m not that person. And while I’d like to pat myself on the back for not deep diving into a pity party about my “situation”….I know how ridiculous that is given how fortunate my life has turned out.

I do miss exercise though. I’ve been a gym rat for 30 years. My husband joked about that the other day, the monthly gym fees that have been paid – the very gym which likely exacerbated this condition. I’d still do it all over again. Exercise has been my mental health regime my entire adult life. I don’t drink alcohol or do drugs (though I am dipping into the Xanax this week so I can sleep) and I haven’t gone on a killing spree so clearly the gym was working for me. I haven’t had that since August and I can feel the depression nipping at my toes.

So I’ll walk because I can still do that. And I’ll walk after the surgery because moving is the best way to prevent blood clots. I’ll remind myself that this is temporary. An expensive (really f*cking expensive) and painful inconvenience. I’m actually grateful for the pain in my arm because it reminds me why I’m letting someone cut into my neck and replace some parts. Otherwise this whole situation would seem insane. The near constant pain in my dominate arm coupled with the knowledge that doing nothing could send me into Depends a few decades earlier than anticipated is my motivation.

I’ll remind myself to not worry about the things that will be out of my control like driving, getting kids out the door for school, my clients, my mother, the dog, feeding my family, weight gain, the 2020 election, the fact that my daughter has blue hair now (it’s really cute), do we have enough toilet paper… All that shit will be out of my hands starting Wednesday until I’m well enough to pick them all up again.

I did order myself some socks for the recovery…

Screenshot_2019-11-03 Amazon com Mom off Duty, Ask your Dad Funny Socks - Cool Pink Fuzzy Novelty Cupcake Packaging for Her[...]Screenshot_2019-11-03 Amazon com If You Can Read This Bring Me Coffee Socks (Coffee Black) - luxury socks for Mom, Dad, fam[...]

 

 

14 responses »

  1. Oh Bryce, it’s perfectly normal to feel the way you do, it’s part of our coping mechanism. We worry about these types of surgeries because in the back of our minds we are going to be scared no matter what anyone tells us as reassurance. Your human and your going to feel all sorts of emotions, but rest assured you will be fine. Physically and mentally, you will be your old gym rat self in no time. Says the woman who is postponing her impending knee surgery because she doesn’t think she needs it…..🙄😬😤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel you, I know that dread, but you are also keeping your sense of humor, which I think is the most important. We need it as an outlet. The TP thing is the mother in you, it’s in us, worrying about everyone else. My last surgery was in 2015. My granddaughter is a lot like me and wrote on the chalk board in my room where the nurses left notes to each other: I like my men how I like my tea, hot and British. It gave everyone a chuckle that cared for me. It’s perfectly okay to feel scared. Let everyone else take care of you for a while.👍🏻😉🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The fact that the gym may have exacerbated the condition you’re dealing with now sounds frustrating but it also says something positive. You’ve devoted a lot of time and effort to taking care of yourself and others.
    It’s okay to step back once in a while and let others take care of you.

    Liked by 1 person

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