A Tale of Two Turkeys

A Tale of Two Turkeys

Happy almost American Turkey Day. I guess we can still call it Thanksgiving though my childhood version of Pilgrims and Native Americans sharing a farm to table style of meal has been destroyed by, I supposed some level of…what’s the word, awareness. Yes we are colonizers, land grabbers, murderers, rapists and pillagers or at least most of our ancestors were to some degree. If you can put that in a dark corner, lock the door, anoint your feet and pray for forgiveness….then follow me toward a new version of Thanksgiving.

We typically host Thanksgiving dinner because we have the big dinning room table (seats 10). My husband helps to clean the house but most of the cooking, shopping, cleaning and planning falls on my shoulders. NBD I’ve cooked at least 30 Thanksgiving birds in my tenure – I’ve tried them all from Butterball to heirloom organic and all the Tom’s in-between. I’m a tad tired of it at this point. The idea of having my hand up inside some still ice coated underbelly of a 16 pound bird mid morning the last Thursday of November is no longer appealing. You guys, I get a pass this year!

I’m just shy of three weeks post OP from my ACDF surgery and therefore I still have activity restrictions (THANK YOU sweet Geezus, thank you) – translation – I can’t handle the bird duties this year. Whoot! Whoot! and hells yes! We are still hosting (big table) but my hubs is making the bird. I will make a vegetable, soup and cranberry sauce – everything else will be purchased pre-made or brought by guests. What’s that smell – pumpkin pie??? No friends that is the smell of kitchen liberation!

Now you may recall that the hubs is an Engineer…that basically means he has an innate need to over analyze, speculate, theorize and generally drive himself crazy trying to determine the best course of action in any given situation. Don’t get me wrong, these traits have made him a very successful business man (hence the big table) and have provided us with a really nice lifestyle…it’s also a tad amusing.

The hubs has been studying everything turkey related – brine, dry rub, defrosting, infusion, best cooking methods, pans, racks, twine, spatchcock, voodoo and Reiki. I’m kidding about the spatchcock – I’m afraid to send him down that rabbit hole. OK I just whispered spatchcock with no explanation and now we wait…

He purchased the first turkey last Friday. It was frozen from the upscale market that we prefer to go to for meats and Brooklyn bread. Here’s a bio –

Chad – 1st Turkey

Born May 2, 2019, Lancaster, PA

Parents – Fred & Ethel

Siblings – Chelsea, Carlie, Christopher, Chet, Charlie, Chickie, Charlotte, Chuck & Zoe

Hobbies – Clucking, chasing breezes, looking for Da Vinci code clues under pebbles, Scrabble

Weight: 14.46 pounds

We have 13 people expected for Thanksgiving Dinner so it’s a little small but we can make it work. Chad was the largest organic bird in the bin.

Three days and 17 hours of additional turkey studies later….

The hubs decided yesterday that there needed to be another turkey option and he went to the even more upscale Italian market. Second turkey bio –

Antonio – 2nd Turkey

Born – June 1, 2019, Brooklyn, NY

Parents – Tony & Maria

Siblings – Little Tony, Anthony, Ant, Tina, Marie, Guido, Giovanni (Gio), Angela & Joey

Hobbies: Stick ball, poker, making pasta with Nonna and frequenting the Bada Bing Club!

Weight: 12.67 pounds

I’m going to be honest and say I have no idea why a second turkey was required. Antonio is currently in the freezer and he’s not talking. For the record I have my own idea of the ideal turkey (one that comes prepared). Ideal turkey bio –

Nick – Ideal Bird

Born – January 20, 2019

Parents – Tom & Sheila, Backyard in Philly

Siblings – Carson, Donovan, Randall, Michael, Vick & Jim

Hobbies: Cheese steak connoisseur, E-A-G-L-E-S!!! fan, fly fishing, snorts butter by the pound and deals hardcore whoop ass in bar brawls on South Street.

Weight: 16.43 pounds

Whatever you celebrate may it be happy, with plenty of reasons to be thankful.


14 responses »

  1. I had an engineer husband…let’s leave it at that, or ever try wallpapering with him?omg!😂. Good on you for not trying to do everything. Now I just sit back and let everyone else do it. I host the sugar cookie decorating but that’s all I can fit in my apartment with an old forties kitchen metal table. Have a good one!🥰

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Congratulations on getting out of cooking duty this year, and if your husband decides to deep fry either turkey…well, I’ve seen that go very badly, but he’s an engineer. But since we’re talking turkey that reminds me of the old joke about the parrot who wouldn’t stop swearing. The owner tried everything he could think of to get the parrot to stop swearing and finally shoved it in the freezer for a couple of minutes.
    When he let it back out the parrot said, “I’m sorry, I’ll stop swearing. Just tell me one thing. What’d the turkey do?”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for this year with your successful surgery. One of my biggest ahaa’s after turning 60, has been that I really don’t have to DO everything, and I definitely don’t have to DO it PERFECTLY! Talk about liberation. My husband recently retired and has taken to making dinner. I pat myself on the back every time I walk into “my” kitchen and see *his* handy work all over the counters, floors, and appliances, and I don’t say anything snarky. Surprisingly, I’m really enjoying having someone else make dinner!

    Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family Bryce!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The legnths some folks go to to get out of cooking!

    Hope you’re healing and have a GREAT Thanksgiving.

    You deserve a year off.

    TLW has been working me like a mule getting things ready for the arrival of “the sisters”. Can’t wait to see them.

    Don’t let them know you’re better, they may try to get you to fry that turkey!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahaha! Happy Thanksgiving to you, TLW and all of the invaders. I have 3 to 6 months of restricted activity…let’s see if I can actually follow that. Fingers crossed…hope you are on the mend as well.


    • Wonderful! I have to say my husband’s turkey came out great. He did not brine but he made a compound butter that he massaged under the turkey skin and it was done with such skill that I felt cheated on! LOL – fun holiday an now onto the next! Cheers!


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