Category Archives: America

I Blame My White Hetero Nondenominational Privilege for this Rant

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I Blame My White Hetero Nondenominational Privilege for this Rant

‘Tis the season for getting offended. It seems like this snowballs each year and now we have an avalanche of nostalgia to get pissed off at. Maybe I’m just cranky because of the Shingles (don’t ask) but can we collectively dial it back a notch? My family life sucked as a kid so I’d like to cling to a few happy childhood memories that aren’t tainted by rapey winter songs, hetero normative propaganda and straight up bullying. Can we all just calm the f*ck down already (someone is reading this right now blaming my white hetero nondenominational privilege for this rant).

Happy Holidays is not code for f*ck off you Jesus loving freak. It means have a nice holiday whatever you celebrate or I’m not sure what day it is in December so I’m just going to cover my ass and say happy holidays. Happy New Year is the cousin of Happy Holidays, this is used when someone is afraid to say “Happy Holidays” because they don’t want to take an organic peppermint shank in the kidney while waiting in line at Whole Foods. Whole Foods is where the really progressive people go to over pay for groceries and hold meetings about the next thing to get offended about. They used to have meetings at Starbucks but those @ssholes ruined themselves when a SB in Philadelphia kicked a black dude out for being well, black.

Baby it’s Cold Outside is now a rape anthem. This song was on a slippery slope the last few years with the #MeToo movement pushing it right off the hetero normative cliff. Men, if you hint at liking this song, you might be a rapist. If you are a female who likes this song, feminists don’t know what to do with you. Personally my favorite version of this song is by the Holderness Family, Baby Just GO Outside.

 

 

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is chock full of f*cked up messaging. Can we agree that Rudolph’s parents were horrible? Because really, who makes their kid wear a strictly cosmetic nose prosthetic which compromises one’s ability to speak clearly and breath properly. Whenever I feel like a bad parent I just sigh and think well, at least I didn’t pull a Donner.And let’s be honest, Santa is kind of a jerk in that show. He shuns Rudolph until he finds a use for him then he’s all like “Hey Rudolph, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?!” If I rewrote this it would have a different ending.

Santa: (Head hung in shame, struggling to make eye contact, shoulders slumped) Hey Rudolph, I’ve done some soul searching and I realize I was wrong for shunning you over your nose.

Rudolph: (Standing on hind legs, arms crossed with a some serious side eye pointed at Santa): Um, hmmm.

Santa: (starts to sway nervously from side to side) You know the weather forecast is looking pretty grim for Christmas Eve…you know, that nose of yours could help cut through the fog. Would you like to be the lead reindeer?

Rudolph: (Still standing on hind legs, one leg gets placed on his hip with a definite “Oh no you didn’t” air about him) So let me get this straight fat man…you bench my red-nose-brown-ass, keep me off the team, talk sh*t to my parents about me and now you want me to save your ass. Ain’t that just like an old privileged white dude. Oh hell no.

Santa: (begging) Please Rudolph, we can’t have Christmas without you!

Rudolph: (Gets down on all fours and turns to walk away) You should have thought of that before you racist bastard. Stick a flashlight on Comet’s nose and figure it out. I got plans that night – me, Yukon and Hermey are starting a band we have a gig on Misfit Island, those are my people. I’m outa here.

 

 

 

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Merry Whatever

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Merry Whatever

Here is my holiday rant in no particular order of importance. I started this list around Thanksgiving and it’s building momentum:

1. Turkey Log, Day 5 – For the love of Gawd make it stop. The delicious novelty of mashed potatoes in turkey soup wore off two days ago, even gravy can’t save us now.

2. Keep thinking of the people I didn’t see on Thanksgiving because they died (no punchline just the sad truth).

3. My teenage kids fought over how to decorate the Christmas tree. One kid wanted Trump-esque borders, the other kid wanted free-range decorations…I wanted to scream into a pillow in a dark room by myself. The husband busied himself in a different room (that man is a damn genius).

4. Took a day trip to NYC and one kid didn’t want to go so we let her stay home alone for 6 hours. She binge watched tv, face-timed her friends, ate Nutella on the couch and did zero chores. Slacker level: Master – Jealousy level: Master

5. Saturday I stayed in PJs all day long, as in the entire day. This isn’t a rant, it’s a confession. Apple-Tree (see above).

6. I am sick of the political pontificating in America. The mindset of – if you don’t agree with me, you are an ignorant racist person drowning in your own white privilege. The flip side is pro-life all the way but let’s use tear gas to keep brown moms and their kids out of ‘Murica. Any attempt at a rational conversation with extremists is exhausting and I am so f*cking tired.

7. Avoided political talk at Thanksgiving until the subject of the environment came up. No minds were changed, shocking.

8. Have to see all the same people again on Christmas Eve. Perhaps I’ll play “Baby It’s Cold Outside” on a continuous loop until everyone’s brain explodes onto the dinning room table. That’ll liven up the 7 fishes.

9. Went to three parties this weekend. There are 52 weekends each year – we get invited to about 7 parties in the entire year, half of them occur on the same weekend….why???!

10. I feel guilty for shopping on Amazon so much. The alternative is to go out to physical stores where people are…actual people (cue the horror music). I still go to independent bookstores to buy books. There aren’t many lines there because most people don’t read anymore.

11. My kid sucks the candy cane down into a sharp point and I visualize it being used as some kind of Christmas shank. (See item 3)

12. I want to do a reboot of Home Alone where I get to play the part of Kevin McCallister. I don’t mean making an actual movie…I just want to be home alone for a few hours, maybe a day…..two weeks, tops.

13. Went to a party last weekend with my husband’s childhood friends. Three hours in they started to drunk order stuff from Amazon on the host’s Alexa. I can’t wait to see how Charlie accessorizes his new sequin dress.

14. I attempted to make Christmas cookies to bring to a friend’s house. I made the rookie mistake of putting the cookies in plastic containers before they cooled properly. My daughter (AKA: Peppermint Shank) made a valiant effort at trying to pry the clumps apart alas, it was not to be. So I tossed the chunks of cookie into a bowl of melted chocolate and then sprinkled the crushed candy cane bits on top of the mess because this chick doesn’t throw out butter and cocoa just for being ugly.

Merry Whatever.

 

 

 

 

Farewell 41

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Farewell 41

The letter that George HW Bush left for Bill Clinton is welcoming and classy. Even if you disagreed with the politics of President Bush, he was a good man who served his country well. Seeing this letter on social media made me wonder what kind of letter will Trump leave for his replacement?

So many things to ponder…

  • Will he spell collusion correctly?
  • How many times will he mention HRC directly or indirectly?
  • How many times will “great” be used?
  • Will it be in crayon?
  • Handwritten or typed?
  • How many times will he mention Obama and what a lousy job he did?
  • Will he be writing it from a prison cell or a golf course?
  • Will he skip the letter altogether and just set the desk on fire on his way out?
  • Will he shock us all with acrostic poem which spells out P-U-T-I-N.
  • Will there be mention of “Big” (dare I say HUGE) shoes to fill and how that corresponds to foot size and other dimensions I’d rather not think about.

Guess we will have to wait and see.

Alice…

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Alice…

Gigi (5 years old): Mrs. Smith, which book should I get?

Mrs. Smith (Kindergarten teacher): The biggest one you can find.

Gigi: The Cat in the Hat is big.

Mrs. Smith: It is, perhaps get a bigger one. Or you can get that and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, just keep them both together.

Evan (smiling): Mrs. Smith, how about Where the Wild Things Are?

Mrs. Smith: Good choice, just make sure you get the hardcover not the paperback.

Josh: I have to use the bathroom Mrs. Smith.

Mrs. Smith: I’m sorry Josh, now is not a good time.

Josh (bouncing and holding his crotch area): I really have to go, I can’t hold it.

Mrs. Smith: Just do the best you can and if you have a slip, I’ll get you something to wear later.

Sofia (whining): I wanted Library Lion but Jonah took it from me.

Mrs. Smith (speaks loudly with authority): OK Class – everyone and I mean everyone must go into the bathroom right now. Miss Stacy and I will join you as soon as we are finished moving the desk.

Miss Stacy (with labored breathing as they move the desk): Maybe we should rearrange the classroom so the desk is closer to the door. This thing weighs a ton.

Mrs. Smith: Good idea, if we get through this without any casualties, I’ll mention it to the Principal. Watch your back Stacy, I know you have a herniated disc.

Miss Stacy: I just wish we were on the first floor so we could use the windows. They’ll never move us though, those classrooms don’t have bathrooms.

They get the desk moved and make their way into the 6′ X 8′ classroom bathroom. All of the Kindergarten classrooms in this state have their own bathroom, it’s required. It is a single low toilet with a sink and instructions on the wall of how to wash your hands to the tune of Row Your Boat. 18 Kindergartners and 2 adults are crammed into the small bathroom.

Mrs. Smith: Great job getting in here class! (she closes the bathroom door and tells the smallest kids to sit against wall and has everyone sitting, she whispers) Now we need to be very quiet, place your books in front of your shirt like we talked about yesterday.

Gigi: But why Mrs. Smith, can’t we read them?

Mrs. Smith: Sorry Gigi, this is an active shooter drill, we need to use the books to protect ourselves.

Josh: Are we going to get shot? My brother plays Call of Duty and he’s really good at shooting things, my mom won’t let me.

Evan: My dad told me that active shooter drills are to protect us against bad guys but it probably won’t happen here.

Mrs. Smith: Shhh…we have to be quiet now.

Miss Stacy (whispers to Mrs. Smith): I wish this was only a drill.

 

ALICE is a training program that many public K – 12 schools in America use to prepare for an active shooter. Because the prevalence of active shooters is a real concern to those of us that send our kids to school with the absolute hope that they will come home alive and unharmed.We sometimes wonder which teachers would take a bullet for our kids and then feel guilty because they have families too.

Here is a link so you can learn more about ALICE (Alert, Lockdown, Inform, Counter, Evacuate):

https://www.alicetraining.com/our-program/alice-training/k12-education/

Side note: The class described above is fictional based on the reality we now live in. There are thousands of Mrs. Smiths and Miss Stacys in America who show up to work each day knowing that they could in fact face this situation. These are teachers and assistants who likely got into their profession with a passion to help children learn, now they may become a human shield. Oh and Miss Stacy makes $9.40/hour and has no benefits. Last week she spent $14.75 at Staples purchasing some classroom supplies. Mrs. Smith has listened to people bitch about her getting summers off for the past 27 years that she has been teaching. She wonders why the union hasn’t argued for hazard pay. This is public education in America, welcome to the flaming fox hole.