You guys, it’s too much. All the hate swirling around, everyone’s trauma, keyboards screaming at each other, forgetting there are actual people reading their comments on the interwebs. America has turned into the worst dysfunctional family discussing politics at the Thanksgiving dinner table, and it’s Thanksgiving every G-damn night. Time to take a humor break and trigger warning: if you are offended by political humor or cursing, you may want to abandon ship, now.
Oh thank Gawd they left. If I have to eat Aunt Jojo’s sweet potato casserole one more time I will slip into a diabetic coma for sure. I mean I don’t actually have diabetes yet but that bitch has been trying to kill us for years with “naturally occurring sugar”. It’s in the yellow zone for Keto Aunt Jojo, slow your roll lady. Speaking of rolls, who brought these gluten laden monster balls? Since we’re discussing monster balls, Uncle Jimmy insists on wearing his oil stained “Love trumps hate, but Trump don’t give a f*ck about you libtard!” t-shirt to every family gathering. Come to think of it, I don’t think Jimmy has taken that shirt off in two years, I’m not even sure if he’s showered. But I digress…
Thanksgiving will be here soon enough, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. My favorite holiday is Halloween. You can dress however you want and there is free candy. I don’t care if I’m 50, I’m trick or treating. Don’t come at me with your judgement Susan, free fucking candy. OK so, I’ve been thinking about what to be, I usually like obscure ideas that I can turn into a lazy costume and maybe 10% of the people I see can figure it out. Last year I was Captain Obvious except I didn’t have a beard. I did rock a red jacket and a hat with a “Duh” pin on it. Too much obscure and not enough obvious, ironic.
This year I’m going for IN YOUR FACE! I’ve decided to get a Handmaid’s Tale inspired costume. To avoid confusion I will have statements attached to the red robe and here’s what I have so far:
- No, I’m not Little Red Riding Hood – read a f*cking grown up book once in a while.
- F*ck the Patriarchy! (No really, I have to f*ck the patriarchy, it’s not a choice)
- Help I’ve fallen into a dystopian nightmare and I can’t get up!
- Red is the color I am forced to wear. (It’s also the color of Satan, blood and Republicans… coincidence, you decide)
- Access to women’s reproductive choices is fine as long as it’s an unbaby (Google it)
- Damn it, I lost another finger. I swear, I was just reading the nutritional label of the quinoa.
- Where’s my check George Soros?
Feel free to comment with suggestions for other statements that I can add. And kudos to Magaret Atwood for being so ahead of her time (clairvoyant?). The Handmaid’s Tale was first published in 1985.