Last week I was outside walking my cat….yeah, you read that right. All of a sudden a silver sports car came into my driveway. It was a good friend who I haven’t seen in a while so it was a wonderful surprise. Then the cat managed to shark yank her way out of the harness. I quickly captured the cat, got her inside and went for a ride to nowhere with my friend in her new-ish convertible, it was decadent.
As we were driving along we got to talking about any random thing that popped up in our heads – lesbianism, travel, family life, art, what-if scenarios – an absolute free-flow of thinking out loud without fear of judgement. I highly recommend it. Somehow we got on the subject of mammograms and how different the male version would be. The conversation went something like this –
Lisa: Can you imagine if men had to get the penis equivalent of a mammogram? The plates would be the perfect temperature, at the right level….
Me: Yup, their dick would be gently placed on a cloud by the technician of their choosing – sexy blonde, school girl, baby got back, dominatrix or hot body-perfectly tanned Chad.
It made me think about how other situations would be different if men experienced them instead of women. The obvious one to me is abortions…relax friend, I’m not stating a political or religious opinion here this is just a fantasy about how things might play out.
If men got abortions they would be free and accessible with no judgement whatsoever. You could walk into any strip club and there would be a special VIP room in the back to take care of your situation. First you’d get a free lap dance, then the procedure would take place while a sports game was playing on a wide screen TV and you’d get a take home pizza on the way out the door with two toppings of your choice. Three toppings if you’re a frequent flyer.
Now in order for men to find themselves in this predicament they would first need to have a menstrual cycle. That’s right fellas approximately 5 days a month for about 40 years you will bleed from your nether region. You will have a variety of symptoms that may include – cramps, weight gain, irritability, debilitating headaches, and breasts that occasionally feel like they are on fire & simultaneously about to explode. These issues will vary greatly by individual and unlike when females mention these symptoms, your concerns will be met with compassion and a serious effort to find relief. The medical world will suddenly find sustainable relief for cramps, the term PMS will no longer be met with eye rolls and snickers, a cure will be found. That mystery will be solved.
When men get to the “pauses”, peri and meno, support packages will be available to them at nominal cost. The days of paying $8. for a box of pads will be in the rear view mirror, a half price sale is about to hit. Experiencing night sweats that have you cranking up the AC to meat locker setting – no problem, the electric company will give you a discounted rate. This is ridiculous you say…have you comparison shopped for gender specific razors or dry cleaning bills, the pink tax is real.
The best part will be the SAHD social security credit. As recognition for your contribution to society by staying home with your newborn, the government will grant you social security credits up until your child is ready for full time Kindergarten. Men who decide to stay home with their littles will be given a mandated generous paternity leave so they can bond with their baby. If they opt out of staying home and want to breast feed at the office, no one will care – do it at your open concept office desk, no one will bat an eye. You’re sustaining life for G-d sake what’s the big deal. Of course the birth rate would drop to a record low if men had babies….I mean with all that free birth control.