Category Archives: grocery shopping

‘Tis the Mofo Season…

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‘Tis the Mofo Season…

It’s been a morning straight out of the children’s horror section, made me think of this –

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My bad morning started last night when I received this email from the school district Superintendent :

I am communicating at this time to inform you that we were notified by the XXXXX Borough Police Department that a potential threat was made to our schools. We are taking direction from the police department with regard to this threat as they continue to investigate the situation. We are going to have police presence at all of our schools tomorrow. We will also increase staff vigilance with regards to this potential threat to our schools. This is all the information we have at this time. We will keep you updated as we receive more information.​

I told my kids about it and said we would make a decision about school in the morning (this morning). I was up at 6am and my daughter was awake already wanting to know the answer. She had a doctor appointment at 7am so we both needed to be up and out. I was still on the fence with school, so I asked for a few minutes to see if there were updates. This is now part of parenting in 21st century America. Parents doing the mental gymnastics to sort out if it is worth sending our kids to school the last day before winter break when there is an unspecified threat.

The initial response is hell no, keep them home. Then you wonder if this starts to happen on the regular, do you just home school or pick and chose which days to send them in if there has been a non-specific threat? If it’s finals week do you roll the dice and hope it’s just a hoax, knowing you will never forgive yourself if they get harmed at school? We got lucky because the school district decided to close in an “abundance of caution” and I felt my small town breath a collective sigh of relief.

One of my friends who doesn’t have kids commented that she can’t imagine what it is like to parent in 2018. This is how I responded:

It’s like diving off of a cliff in the dark and you don’t know what you’re diving into – it could be a soft fluffy mattress, shark invested waters or rocks, no one knows. #Parenting2018

School was closed and I got my daughter to her appointment. At 8am I received a panicked call from my new client who insisted he had a doctor appointment to get to at 8:45am. I immediately left my house to fetch him and his wife who are both in their 90s. Did I mention that it is pouring out, because of course it is. I get my clients to the doctor and was informed that Rob’s appointment is on Monday (sure, why not).

Rob (embarrassed): I hope you are counting your hours.

Me: I am Rob, this though, this never happened. Consider it a test run. I’ll see you at 12:30 to go to Physical Therapy (that’s confirmed).

I get my new friends tucked in their house and head to the grocery store to tick some things off my to do list which is the length of a CVS receipt. I stop at the pet store first, the register isn’t working properly. It’s fine, I’m smiling at this nonsense by now.

 

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This is a CVS receipt well over 5 feet long, he purchased 3 items. My to do list is just as long with no “extra bucks” (well except for the extra bucks I spend).

When I leave the pet store, I notice I have a voice mail from my mother. Her cat needs to be put down, she’s 18 and has been sick, can’t pee or poop. Her vet is 45 minutes away and my mom got lost the last time she went. I called my local vet and got her in for this afternoon when I can go. So yes, this day may very well end with a dead cat because, of course it f*cking will.

I’ve now finished at the dermatologist, doctor’s office and the pet store (it’s barely 9am). Next stop is the grocery store. I can’t buy everything I need for Christmas Eve yet because I need fresh fish for the 7 fishes feast. I go to get bread in the bakery and realize – holy sh*t I need to order a birthday cake for my sister in-law. The lady behind the counter looks at me like I’m on fire – what idiot orders a cake 2 days ahead at the busiest time of the year (guilty as charged). I apologize profusely and explain it can be any chocolate cake with happy birthday on it. She obliges me (she’s a mom, she knows how nuts life is for us).

Then I wander around the store trying to go through the mental list of what I can buy now and what needs to wait until Sunday. At one point I found myself staring at the beef broth, overwhelmed. My brand wasn’t there which threw me into a quandary. I went back and forth a few times before I settled on something unfamiliar.

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Finished at the grocery store, I’ve moved on to Chick-fil-A where I beg for high quantities of chicken nuggets before 10am. My daughter is hosting a gift exchange party tonight (because of course she is). They take pity on me and I get 60 nuggets at the crack of 10am. While I’m waiting my friend texts me pics of her beautiful dinning room table which is set for a Christmas Dinner. I note that I will never be that much of an adult and that I would love to use paper plates – compostable ones because I’m not a monster (yet).

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Check It Out

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Check It Out

I’m a bit of an @sshole when it comes to bagging my own groceries. I don’t have too many OCD tendencies except for this particular task. I prefer to use my own bags (when I remember them) and I have very specific ideas of what should and shouldn’t be bagged together. These are basically common sense notions except somewhere down the line common sense got his @ss kicked and now he’s afraid to leave the house.

I don’t think I’m too exotic with my grocery bag wishes. Put heavy stuff on the bottom of the bag so the “delicates” (Oreos, chips, the good stuff) don’t get crushed. Keep the cold stuff together (that’s right the warm roasted chicken should not coexist in the same bag as the ice cream). Put more than three things in a bag. I’m one of those “one trip” people. To finish things off, I like to play grocery store Tetris. Basically I get a small cart, load a large carts worth of groceries into it and then see if I can get them back in, good times. I always intend to go in for 4 things and come out with about 37 things, so there’s that.

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My bagging preferences have not gone unnoticed by the workers. Just the other day my son and I were checking out with the three things we went in for (plus the additional 34 items we didn’t need). It played out like this –

Cashier: “Do you want a plastic bag for the meat?”

Me: “No thanks.”

4 seconds later….cashier reaches for the plastic bag with her left hand, meat is in the right hand.

Me: “It’s OK, I don’t need a plastic bag for that.”

Cashier continues to place the meat in the plastic bag. At which point I give the WTF is happening here look. She sees the look and continues…

Cashier:”I just think it’s better if the meat is in plastic…you don’t want sausage flavored lasagna.”

Me: “Interesting you should point that out, Susan. I do in fact want sausage favored lasagna.”

The next 2 minutes continued in an awkward exchange of the cashier explaining all the reasons why I should have this bag. I spent the time saying “OK” and fighting the urge to laugh and smack her…I was torn between the urges. I saw the ridiculousness of the situation for what it was and yet I was still pissed at her blatant disregard for my very clear instructions. Basically I went into pick your battles mode and did not escalate the situation. My son and I laughed about it on the way out.

This isn’t the only time I’ve encountered a bagging “situation” at this store. A while back I was checking out in a lane which had an overly aggressive bagger. This woman gets visibly pissed if you want to bag your own groceries. Here’s the tricky part, she has special needs. So I’m an instant @sshole for having any kind of an issue with her. Last year she threw my own tomato at me, I sh*t you not. I know she takes her job very seriously so I am mindful of the words I chose when we we interact. Here’s how it went down –

Me: “Regina, can you pass me that tomato, I want to keep the produce together?”

Regina then threw the tomato in my general direction with an angry scowl on her face.

Me: “Alright, then.”

Regina: “Sorry.”

So now I have one cashier and a bagger that I need to avoid when shopping. Does this happen to anyone else?