Category Archives: Halloween

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Halloween as always been one of my favorite days of the year. I love to dress up, marvel at the decorations and of course, CaNdY!!! My kids love it too. The past few years we have split up. Me with one kid and their group of friends and the other with a different group in another neighborhood. Everyone dressed up and candy was abundant. This year things changed. My oldest didn’t really get to “trick or treat”, his friends weren’t into it. My youngest, didn’t want me around. This is as it should be at their ages. Just another reminder that this sweet time of parenting when we share a home and talk every day, it’s going to end in a handful of years.

It’s seems like yesterday or maybe a week, a few years ago at most, that I dressed up as Cat in the Hat with Thing 1 and Thing 2 by my side. A more accurate description would be Thing 1 holding on tight with his right hand secure in my left. Thing 2 was riding my hip, arms loose around my neck. I was sweaty from exertion and they were just plain hot in fuzzy costumes.

I’ll never forget that Halloween, my kids were 3 and 5 years old. We met a friend and her family for pizza in a town that celebrates Halloween on an epic level. Our littles were in preschool then. We were on the precipice of big changes, elementary school was around the corner and we were trying to soak in the last bits of a schedule that wasn’t encumbered by school district rules. It was a glorious time and I was too exhausted most days to fully appreciate it.

That Halloween was unusually warm and the “Thing” costumes were not designed for that level of heat. We didn’t make it far that night, a few blocks at most. The uneven sidewalk, perpetual lack of sleep and the physical strains of being weighted unevenly on one side for hours was catching up to me. I was relieved to get them in the car and back home before long. It was a short drive but Thing 2 was also weary. I had to carry her sweaty, sleeping body into the house from the car. Then I tried to slip her out of her costume and into bed without waking her, mission not accomplished (sigh).

I ran a tight ship in those days, kept a schedule. It took so long for my oldest to sleep through the night, that I made a bedtime ritual mandatory. I tried everything – baths, books, warm milk, sprayed the room with monster deterrent (water) and finally resorted to meditation CDs. At 5, he was finally getting the hang of it. I tried to stick to that schedule because I had years of sleep to catch up on. My husband traveled almost constantly during this phase so I was on my own most nights.

Fast forward to my “Things”, 13 & 15 and oh, what I wouldn’t give to relive that night. That friend from the pizza place, she passed away nearly five years ago. She died on Thing 2’s 9th birthday. We knew it was inevitable, she fought cancer and the horrific effects of chemo since the birth of her son who is the same age as mine (Thing 1). And our boys, they’re still friends. I’ve kept a vigil on that as I promised I would. It was an unspoken promise, the one you make in your heart when the words can’t come out because you want to be brave but you’re jello inside. So I guess I should stop lamenting over the passage of time and all that is getting to be in the rear view mirror, because I got to be here for it.

 

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Politically Motivated Halloween Costumes

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Politically Motivated Halloween Costumes

Halloween is just a couple of weeks away. Have a party to attend or plan to follow some random kids and act like you’re taking them trick or treating so you can get free candy (no, I haven’t done that). Well, if you are in need of a costume, I have a few ideas:

Libtard – Dressed in all black form fitting clothing, they pull it off though because they run 47.8 miles a week. Holding a bottle of kombucha, sipping from a bamboo straw. Tosses sunflower seeds that have been re-engineered to look like snow flakes. Why yes they are sustainable, good for the environment and pleasing to the eye. The male version has a beard, the female version shows some arm pit hair. If you can’t find a black top just dig out that concert T-shirt from the 1997 Lilith Fair.

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Brett Kavanaugh – This one’s easy – judicial robe, beer hat funnel and something protruding under the robe from the groin area. Oh and a spiral bound calendar from June of 1982 with “Beach Week” visible. Feel free to add your own spin on the calendar entries such as, assault random girl at house party 9pm June 17th. magafunnel.jpg

Handmaid’s Tale – To avoid confusion I will have statements attached to the red robe:

  1. No, I’m not Little Red Riding Hood – read a f*cking grown up book once in a while.
  2. F*ck the Patriarchy! (No really, I have to f*ck the patriarchy, it’s not a choice)
  3. Help I’ve fallen into a dystopian nightmare and I can’t get up!
  4. Vote assholes so this doesn’t become my reality.

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Native American Supporter – I don’t recommend making light of this crowd, haven’t we done enough damage here, colonizer. If you do attempt this for G-sake do not go for a traditional headdress or anything remotely close, you will botch that and be offensive. There is a simple solution just wear a shirt like this – 44146415_957543824451653_6495466547128041472_n.jpgScared White Woman – Requires a basic outfit, with “Becky” embroidered somewhere, a pony tail is preferable and a cell phone is required. Calls the cops whenever she comes across two or more black people. She is indignant and frightened, sample call:

SWW: Hi…um, I’m calling because there is a situation here. There are some black children selling candy bars outside the grocery store. I don’t think they have a permit and I’m frightened.

Dispatch: That’s a probably a band fundraiser for the middle school ma’am, my kid is selling them too. Is there a banner or something, perhaps some sign?

SWW: Well, sure there is a banner with the school name on it but it could be a fake.

Dispatch: Is it just those two kids or are other people there?

SWW: I see a man wearing a jacket with the school logo on it, he seems OK, might be a teacher (barely audible: he’s white) and there are other children here.

Dispatch: And why are you calling about these two kids?

SWW: (Whisper screams)…they’re black!

Dispatch: I can’t help you. Seriously, I don’t think anyone can help you. Good day ma’am.

 

If you have the means, I highly recommend getting full size candy bars to hand out, you will be an instant rock star. Happy Halloween!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Handmaid’s Halloween

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Handmaid’s Halloween

You guys, it’s too much. All the hate swirling around, everyone’s trauma, keyboards screaming at each other, forgetting there are actual people reading their comments on the interwebs. America has turned into the worst dysfunctional family discussing politics at the Thanksgiving dinner table, and it’s Thanksgiving every G-damn night. Time to take a humor break and trigger warning: if you are offended by political humor or cursing, you may want to abandon ship, now.

Oh thank Gawd they left. If I have to eat Aunt Jojo’s sweet potato casserole one more time I will slip into a diabetic coma for sure. I mean I don’t actually have diabetes yet but that bitch has been trying to kill us for years with “naturally occurring sugar”. It’s in the yellow zone for Keto Aunt Jojo, slow your roll lady. Speaking of rolls, who brought these gluten laden monster balls? Since we’re discussing monster balls, Uncle Jimmy insists on wearing his oil stained “Love trumps hate, but Trump don’t give a f*ck about you libtard!” t-shirt to every family gathering. Come to think of it, I don’t think Jimmy has taken that shirt off in two years, I’m not even sure if he’s showered. But I digress…

Thanksgiving will be here soon enough, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. My favorite holiday is Halloween. You can dress however you want and there is free candy. I don’t care if I’m 50, I’m trick or treating. Don’t come at me with your judgement Susan, free fucking candy. OK so, I’ve been thinking about what to be, I usually like obscure ideas that I can turn into a lazy costume and maybe 10% of the people I see can figure it out. Last year I was Captain Obvious except I didn’t have a beard. I did rock a red jacket and a hat with a “Duh” pin on it. Too much obscure and not enough obvious, ironic.

This year I’m going for IN YOUR FACE! I’ve decided to get a Handmaid’s Tale inspired costume. To avoid confusion I will have statements attached to the red robe and here’s what I have so far:

  1. No, I’m not Little Red Riding Hood – read a f*cking grown up book once in a while.
  2. F*ck the Patriarchy! (No really, I have to f*ck the patriarchy, it’s not a choice)
  3. Help I’ve fallen into a dystopian nightmare and I can’t get up!
  4. Red is the color I am forced to wear. (It’s also the color of Satan, blood and Republicans… coincidence, you decide)
  5. Access to women’s reproductive choices is fine as long as it’s an unbaby (Google it)
  6. Damn it, I lost another finger. I swear, I was just reading the nutritional label of the quinoa.
  7. Where’s my check George Soros?

Feel free to comment with suggestions for other statements that I can add. And kudos to Magaret Atwood for being so ahead of her time (clairvoyant?). The Handmaid’s Tale was first published in 1985.