Category Archives: humor

Bomb Squad Mom

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Bomb Squad Mom

It’s that delightful time of year again. Everyone has mentally checked out of school but we have to send the kids anyway because, rules. It happens every year sometime between spring break and whenever the weather gets nice, kids lose their minds. All of them, even the nice compliant kids. The school cafeteria takes on a “Lord of the Flies” atmosphere. It’s nearly impossible to keep track of all of the important dates and forms in a flurry of end of the year activities.

The home routines also take a nose dive. I double dog dare you to tell me you are as vigilant in May as you are in September…..I’m looking at you parents. I am a tiger Mom in the fall by late spring I’m more indoor declawed house cat. Bed time slips from 8:30 to 9 to 9:30 to – hey kids turn the lights off when you go to bed Momma needs her ZZZZZZs. Kidding those buggers still want me to tuck them in.

The later bed time makes the morning routine oh so pleasant though. My morning wake ups are met with grunts and groans and I know at least one of my kids fought the urge to through a stuffie at me this morning. My daughter is the tough one at the moment. She is a typical tween girl and is perhaps ever so slightly mentally unstable at times. The mood swings are of biblical proportion. One minute she wants to cuddle and the next minute is all exorcist 360 degree head spin.

During these times I feel like I am on the Mom Bomb Squad. I have a set time period in which to get her out the door and on to the bus preferably without an explosion. 19 1/2 more days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wrinkles, Zits and Hot Flashes…..Oh My!

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Wrinkles, Zits and Hot Flashes…..Oh My!

I’m at the tender crossroads of life somewhere between; the downward slide into decrepitude and moody perimenopausal bitch on wheels. It’s lovely and by the way gents you may want to look away, shit is about to get real. Very real in a mid-life-lady-no-longer-has-fucks-to-give kind of way. You’ve been warned males – ladies lets sip some chamomile (or scotch, no judgement zone here) and bitch about the lady days for a bit.

The things I HATE about perimenopause or whatever the fuck this is:

  1. The well meaning people that tell me to sip tea and take supplements. Shut up…..please just shut up. I want chocolate, Advil, a dark room and a nap. Do not try to hug me I may punch you in the face, hard.
  2. PMS has become……apocalyptic at times. Not every month, I mean God forbid something about this female cycle be predictable. Sometimes the mood swings are INTENSE like “The Three Faces of Eve” intense.
  3. Aunt Flow. I am so sick of bleeding y’all. Really enough already. My actual period vacillates somewhere between an annoying but ever present slow faucet drip to Niagara Falls. The first three days are the worst. So bad that the “spray” from my oozing lady parts has landed in odd places – under the toilet seat, on the floor, on the G-damn wall (yup, you read that right). I doesn’t seem like the laws of physics would allow for this level of splatter but I assure you it is the truth.  There have been times when I just wanted to put the yellow crime scene tape around my bathroom and call in the experts for clean up.
  4. Hot Flashes. I have only experienced these during the day on a few occasions and it’s quite impressive when it happens. One time the heat started on the back of my neck and I suddenly found myself with a literal hot head, sweat and all. What physical activity brought this on….uh, none. I was typing at my desk when all of a sudden…..
  5. Night Sweats is the asshole cousin of Hot Flashes. While I haven’t spent much time with Hot Flashes…..Night Sweats and I go steady. I sleep with that bitch every night, right next to my husband…..because I am a whore like that. Seriously, if you haven’t experienced this pleasure yet here’s a description: you awake in a head soaked puddle of your own bodily fluid (sweat), drenched pillow, hair like Medusa. The cure – go pee for the third time that night, come back to bed and flip that pillow over. Repeat this cycle however many times you pee in a given night until your pillow has turned into an overflowing sponge….then replace the pillow or the the pillow case….or steal your husband’s pillow if necessary…..because, men.
  6. Sleep Disturbances – Better known as insomnia and this little motherfucker is the worst. There is a reason why sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture because………it is actually a very effective form of torture. The echos of sleep loss bleed into the next day which is why insomnia is such a dick. I can usually make it through the next day sans sleep until about 4pm and then I am replaced by Satan.
  7. Urinary urgency or the need to pee (all the time) with the most intense urgency occurring just before you fall asleep. This really kicks in as I am laying my head down on the pillow (prior to a soaking due to night sweats). There have been many evenings when I have gotten out of bed to pee 4 or 5 times within 30 minutes. I know it doesn’t seem possible that one could go so frequently within such a short time span, it’s true. I promise I’m not guzzling gallon jugs of coffee or Gatorade within an hour of bedtime. It’s a head scratcher.
  8. Fatigue. How unexpected is this…..really?! You have night sweats, frequent urination, insomnia and mood swings tag teaming to kick your ass all day and night. Of course we are tired, duh! Ladies if you have ever been pregnant you probably remember the wave of exhaustion that can overwhelm you during the first trimester. I get a lesser version of this during PMS. Of course it isn’t predictable because PMS is an asshole like that.
  9. Skin changes. Here is my complete thought process on the skin changes….wrinkles and zits should not coexist on the same face, ever.
  10. Sex drive changes. This runs the gamut friends. Some ladies have no desire for sex – could be due to vaginal dryness or painful intercourse or maybe they just can’t stand their man/woman/vibrator, I dunno. My issue is on the opposite extreme. I find myself sexting my husband and taking him into the walk in closet for quickies. I am like a 12 year old boy watching girls gone wild for the first time.
  11. Aches, pains and other signs your screwed for the next 5 days. Period cramps – check. Gents if you’re reading this and why the fuck would you be reading this….imagine that you swallowed a small spiked ball and it is rolling around your innards, that’s what cramps feel like. Oh and bonus round if you get the it-feels-like-I-got-stabbed-in-the-eye headache.

No seriously, is there something sticking out of my eye? Ladies, feel free to rant in the comments.

Feral Dinosaur Toes…….

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Feral Dinosaur Toes…….

So I’m just going to put it out there…..my current shame……onychomycosis (on-ih-koh-my-KOH-sis) other wise known as toe nail fungus or what I lovingly refer to as feral dinosaur toes. It’s gross and somewhat uncomfortable and I have been hiding it under painted toe nails for years. I have tried the random home remedies – oregano oil, Vicks VapoRub, bleach….this fungus is persistent. I finally decided to be a grown up and deal with it head on when both big toe nails were about to fall off.

I shimmied into my big girl panties and went to the Podiatrist. If you haven’t been, it’s like going into a time machine. You may enter the waiting room as a 40 something hipster but you will leave feeling like a 87 year old infirm granny. My Podiatrist is great. He manages to make me feel like an equal whilst dealing with my toes of shame. He is honest and kind and has a sense of humor. I like those qualities in a human. He tells me that all the topical stuff is a waste of time and money. As for laser treatment, he snickers and does an eye roll at that one. Even the medicine he suggests has a cure rate of about 65% and those are the best odds. Knowing that I am not likely to dutifully apply eye of newt and chant every day, twice a day, for the next infinity…..I decide to investigate the oral medication.

My present situation is this…I am taking Terbinafine HCL (a generic form of oral Lamisil) to treat my moderate to severe case of ick. This medication is so intense that I had to have blood drawn to confirm that my liver is functioning properly. Fortunately, I haven’t been drinking in over 30 years so that sobriety thing is really paying off. When you read about this medication you just assume that it will kill you. The pros and cons list is pretty skewed but ultimately I want to get rid of this problem. It goes beyond pretty toes I want this fungus eradicated.

So in reading the precautions you are advised to avoid caffeine and sun exposure. This seems insurmountable but OK I will triple up on the sunblock and get some long sleeve light weight shirts. Avoid caffeine, well shit just got real. The no alcohol thing is not a problem but no morning cup o’ Joe well that seems extreme. I did some further reading and basically caffeine takes longer to leave the body while on this medicine. So in my selective reasoning, I have determined that I can have one cup of coffee early in the morning. Will have to see how that goes. The coffee may have to be shelved for a few months (who just typed that?). Whaaaaat??

For the pros…..I may lose my sense of taste. Yeah I know, this is listed as a con in the literature but momma needs to lose some weight so I’m going to look on the bright side. A little loss of taste wouldn’t necessarily be bad as long as it’s temporary. Insomnia is also a possible side effect. OK that sucks no getting around that. I am hoping that is due to the extended life this drug gives caffeine. So maybe if I drink just one cup of coffee early in the morning I will be alright? I realize I have just outed myself as the desperate coffee junkie that I am. Only time will tell. I have 3 doses in me so far so we will see how things progress……fingers and toes crossed.