Category Archives: midlife

My Mother Made Me…

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My Mother Made Me…

Why do we demonize mothers? OK you may be thinking I have gotten off at the wrong bus stop, she’s come off the rails, PMS…? All valid things to ponder but stay with me a bit…it’s a thought that has occurred to me on more than one occasion, maybe you have noticed it too?

We expect so much from mothers. Thank you Captain Obvious for stating that…..I know (insert eye roll) but think about it in your own life. OK, I’ll start since I’m the first one reading this…and perhaps the only one.

I had a fairly crappy childhood with divorced parents. As kids we lived with our mother (for the most part) and our father paid child support (except when he didn’t,  which was often). He pretty much abandoned us except for the bi-annual court ordered payments when he would be forced to write a check. My mother kept a roof over our heads (with some lapses) until my twin brother and I turned 15 and the shit storm went nuclear. Fast forward 30+ years later and which parent aggravates me the most…..mom.

I see myself in her and her in me. Usually the parts I don’t like, have her fingerprints all over them. The negativity, the feeling of being easily overwhelmed, the victim mentality, the flakiness. Sometimes I see these flaws in discreet slivers….sometimes they are wrapped in neon signs holding a bullhorn announcing themselves to the world at high volume. I don’t ever think of my father when a character defect pops up and I am just itching to identify the source so I can destroy it so it never comes back again. PS – they always come back again, like garden weeds and stray cats that you accidentally fed on purpose.

So why do I do this? Why blame my mother when my father was not even around. Maybe that’s it….perhaps his absence gives him a free pass? Well damn that seems woefully unfair. But I have to be honest at this age, I’m too tired to build a relationship with the guy just so I can hate him. Meh, I don’t have the energy and he’s kind of a jerk.

Or is that society has brain washed me and you and all the woodland creatures into thinking that moms must be perfect and if they are not they must be hated? What the hell – why would anyone want that job asked the mom of two?

So here’s my suggestion…let’s be nicer to our moms. Let’s try to remember that they are mere mortals that make mistakes. Some mistakes may have been bigger and more catastrophic but would you let your dad off the hook for a similar issue? Would you forgive a friend if they stumbled along a similar broken path sometimes grabbing at the wrong branch for balance? And let’s be real honest, I don’t want my kids to hate me so maybe I’m just hoping for some good karma. Good luck to all the moms out there.

 

 

My Other Mother

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My Other Mother

I recently had an experience where I caught a glimpse of my mother from an outsider’s perspective. It happens sometimes and it reminds me that my mother is a multi-dimensional person. Just like the rest of us…she isn’t all bad or all good, she’s a complicated mix. I have written quite a bit about the bad stuff – the drunk, raging, dysfunctional mother and now I want to share another side.

A few days ago, I had lunch with my “other mother” at a student dinning hall at the University of Pennsylvania. When she 40 she decided that she wanted to go to college and prove to everyone that she wasn’t stupid. She started local at a community college where she aced her way through two years and graduated with induction into Phi Theta Kappa.

Her grades and her personal narrative were so compelling that she got a scholarship to the University of Pennsylvania. Her initial thought was that she would complete her B.A. with a law degree as the ultimate goal and somewhere she switched to history and psychology. She did graduate from University of Pennsylvania and attended one year of graduate school at Bryn Mawr College.

We found ourselves in Philadelphia for one of her doctor appointments. I insisted on driving her because she is not a great driver and I thought public transportation would overwhelm her. So we were walking from the medical facility toward campus and she mentioned that she wished she could give “them” more money. I turned toward her and said “what” rather forcibly……WTF was strongly implied. In my mind the coffers of the ivies is always so damn full and my mother is broke. She lives in a house I bought but she still has utility bills. She is on Medicaid and has no discretionary income, zero. Then she went on to say how she learned so much about women and other cultures around the world during her education. How her time there was a bit Dickens….”It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”. Clearly she just wanted to pay it forward to another woman that she will never meet and my tone softened.

I admit it, I am a hard ass around my mother. Impatient, suspicious, not trusting on any level, my armor is always up around her and I can be an obstinate jerk. I know this and I willed myself to be patient and oblige her wish for lunch on campus despite the growing list of sh*t I had to do that day. After all, I don’t know if she will get another chance to stroll down this particular neighborhood of memory lane and I didn’t want to begrudge her that request.

I could feel the pride of her accomplishment that hour. She went on about how this changed and that was the same. She wanted to eat in the hall of flags and peeked in on an event taking place in that room. That lunch she was reflecting on happy times and people that sadly have passed that helped her with that part of her journey.

During lunch I noticed that she was wearing her university ring. I got that ring for her as a graduation gift. I was in my early twenties, going to college and working two jobs to support myself. The money I used to pay for that ring was based on serious sweat equity and sacrifice. She told me that day it was the nicest gift anyone had every given her. I guess we both had something to be proud of that day.

I Don’t Collect Shiny Things

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I Don’t Collect Shiny Things

I opt out of some of social norms. I don’t wear jewelry. I mean nothing, no watch, rings, necklaces, hell my ears aren’t even pierced.  I didn’t want or get a huge diamond when we decided to get married. We have titanium wedding bands which we wore once at a family party after we eloped. It was a nod to my mother in law who was a stickler for tradition. It was hard enough for her to accept that we chose to get married on a beach in Mexico without any family or friends present. So we wore wedding bands for about 4 hours. I still consider eloping to be one of my top 3 best decisions.

My mother in law was old school Italian and I would have been steam rolled in the planning process. We weren’t into it and after being together for about 6 years we got pregnant. It wasn’t entirely accidental. I told my love that I was going off the pill after nearly two decades of being on it and within a year, boom. I don’t call it a shot gun wedding because I didn’t have a strong male figure in my life that would have pressured us into marriage. I was pretty chill about myself. I told him we didn’t need to get married, he saw things differently coming from a traditional Italian Catholic family. In retrospect, I’m glad we got married. There are times when things get sticky and that legal status makes you hesitate before you set that bridge on fire with a defiant one finger salute. I can’t imagine being with anyone else.

So here we are twenty years, two kids and a large dog deep into it. We have the beautiful house and all the trappings of suburban bliss. I say that without snark, we are truly blessed. I had a birthday recently and I chuckle to myself when people ask what I got. Repeat this process for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day…..all the days when Hallmark and mass marketing tell you it is urgent to give, give, give! The constant stream of ads for jewelry that tell us if he doesn’t spend two months salary on an engagement ring perhaps you should reconsider. And what Mother’s Day would be complete without a charm from Pandora…..oh pahleeze, just go away. Here’s the thing, I don’t collect shiny things. Sometimes I get a card or flowers, sometimes I don’t. If I feel like I need a card or flowers I’ll say “hon, I’d like a card and flowers” and they will appear. I learned a long time ago that people aren’t mind readers so if you want something specific you should get it yourself or leave detailed instructions. Oh and expectation is the root of all evil.

So when someone asks me what I got, here are my thoughts…..I got a man who is a great father. A true family man who does the right thing without being asked. Three days ago he was at my mother’s house taking a canopy off a retractable awning. He spent hours researching where to get the best replacement and then bought one after he had me pick the pattern. Better than a bracelet, way better.

 

Wrinkles, Zits and Hot Flashes…..Oh My!

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Wrinkles, Zits and Hot Flashes…..Oh My!

I’m at the tender crossroads of life somewhere between; the downward slide into decrepitude and moody perimenopausal bitch on wheels. It’s lovely and by the way gents you may want to look away, shit is about to get real. Very real in a mid-life-lady-no-longer-has-fucks-to-give kind of way. You’ve been warned males – ladies lets sip some chamomile (or scotch, no judgement zone here) and bitch about the lady days for a bit.

The things I HATE about perimenopause or whatever the fuck this is:

  1. The well meaning people that tell me to sip tea and take supplements. Shut up…..please just shut up. I want chocolate, Advil, a dark room and a nap. Do not try to hug me I may punch you in the face, hard.
  2. PMS has become……apocalyptic at times. Not every month, I mean God forbid something about this female cycle be predictable. Sometimes the mood swings are INTENSE like “The Three Faces of Eve” intense.
  3. Aunt Flow. I am so sick of bleeding y’all. Really enough already. My actual period vacillates somewhere between an annoying but ever present slow faucet drip to Niagara Falls. The first three days are the worst. So bad that the “spray” from my oozing lady parts has landed in odd places – under the toilet seat, on the floor, on the G-damn wall (yup, you read that right). I doesn’t seem like the laws of physics would allow for this level of splatter but I assure you it is the truth.  There have been times when I just wanted to put the yellow crime scene tape around my bathroom and call in the experts for clean up.
  4. Hot Flashes. I have only experienced these during the day on a few occasions and it’s quite impressive when it happens. One time the heat started on the back of my neck and I suddenly found myself with a literal hot head, sweat and all. What physical activity brought this on….uh, none. I was typing at my desk when all of a sudden…..
  5. Night Sweats is the asshole cousin of Hot Flashes. While I haven’t spent much time with Hot Flashes…..Night Sweats and I go steady. I sleep with that bitch every night, right next to my husband…..because I am a whore like that. Seriously, if you haven’t experienced this pleasure yet here’s a description: you awake in a head soaked puddle of your own bodily fluid (sweat), drenched pillow, hair like Medusa. The cure – go pee for the third time that night, come back to bed and flip that pillow over. Repeat this cycle however many times you pee in a given night until your pillow has turned into an overflowing sponge….then replace the pillow or the the pillow case….or steal your husband’s pillow if necessary…..because, men.
  6. Sleep Disturbances – Better known as insomnia and this little motherfucker is the worst. There is a reason why sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture because………it is actually a very effective form of torture. The echos of sleep loss bleed into the next day which is why insomnia is such a dick. I can usually make it through the next day sans sleep until about 4pm and then I am replaced by Satan.
  7. Urinary urgency or the need to pee (all the time) with the most intense urgency occurring just before you fall asleep. This really kicks in as I am laying my head down on the pillow (prior to a soaking due to night sweats). There have been many evenings when I have gotten out of bed to pee 4 or 5 times within 30 minutes. I know it doesn’t seem possible that one could go so frequently within such a short time span, it’s true. I promise I’m not guzzling gallon jugs of coffee or Gatorade within an hour of bedtime. It’s a head scratcher.
  8. Fatigue. How unexpected is this…..really?! You have night sweats, frequent urination, insomnia and mood swings tag teaming to kick your ass all day and night. Of course we are tired, duh! Ladies if you have ever been pregnant you probably remember the wave of exhaustion that can overwhelm you during the first trimester. I get a lesser version of this during PMS. Of course it isn’t predictable because PMS is an asshole like that.
  9. Skin changes. Here is my complete thought process on the skin changes….wrinkles and zits should not coexist on the same face, ever.
  10. Sex drive changes. This runs the gamut friends. Some ladies have no desire for sex – could be due to vaginal dryness or painful intercourse or maybe they just can’t stand their man/woman/vibrator, I dunno. My issue is on the opposite extreme. I find myself sexting my husband and taking him into the walk in closet for quickies. I am like a 12 year old boy watching girls gone wild for the first time.
  11. Aches, pains and other signs your screwed for the next 5 days. Period cramps – check. Gents if you’re reading this and why the fuck would you be reading this….imagine that you swallowed a small spiked ball and it is rolling around your innards, that’s what cramps feel like. Oh and bonus round if you get the it-feels-like-I-got-stabbed-in-the-eye headache.

No seriously, is there something sticking out of my eye? Ladies, feel free to rant in the comments.

Teachable Moments

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Teachable Moments

For those who are not familiar….teachable moments tend to be awful and necessary. They also like to present themselves at inconvenient times and mostly in public places usually when you are exhausted or at least exasperated. My husband and I are raising two kids; a nearly 13 year old boy and an 11 year old girl. If you haven’t raised humans up to the tween phase let’s just say things get interesting. My number one goal in parenting is to raise kind, productive people that contribute to society in a positive way. I’m not hoping to get a sports scholarship, ivy league acceptance or even perfect hair….I just don’t want to raise assholes.

My kids are opposites in some ways. My son wants to stay a kid. So much so that I had to break the news to him about Santa Claus a few months ago. For the past two years I’d been leaving hints in bits of conversation like scattered bread crumbs, hoping he would ask for more. I leaned heavy on the “traditions” aspect of Christmas and would often say things like, different families have different traditions. We would discuss this regarding Santa and the Elf on the Shelf. I even suggested…scratch that….flat out told him…..”Do NOT talk about Santa at school.” The point is the hints were there, I left them scattered about to ease the transition. He didn’t bite, not even a nibble.

This Christmas Eve he had the “Santa Tracker” on his Ipod and made intermittent announcements about where Santa was in his one night gift giving world tour. I made a mental note to squash Santa on December 26th. Of course that day came and went and I finally had to make myself tell him the last day of winter break. It was hard. I waited until we were alone and I looked him in the eye and decided to ask “Do you really believe in Santa?” I saw sadness and fear in his eyes and I knew I was about to take away a piece of his childhood. It killed me to tell him but he’s in middle school if word got out, the mob would descend on him like vultures on a fresh carcass. I was gentle and direct when I told him something to the effect of……..there isn’t one Santa, there are many Santas – moms, dads, grandparents, brothers, sisters, neighbors, friends….there isn’t one man dropping off presents all over the world. Santa is the idea of giving without expectation, it’s a tradition and a fairy tale rolled into a beautiful message of giving. We both cried a little and hugged. A few minutes later I asked him if he had any questions or if he wanted to talk about it. His only response was “I don’t believe you”. True story.

Now for the girl….ahhh tween girl drama is brutal. We have already experienced frenemies and flat out bullies. At times I think my daughter has been a bit of a bully and I called her on it immediately. I tell her constantly about the importance of not talking smack about people and treating everyone the way you want to be treated. I monitor her Instagram and I am shocked at some of the conversations that take place.

My kids have limited access to electronic devices. Half an hour during the week and an hour on weekends and holidays. They are not permitted to have their Ipods in their rooms at night. This past Valentine’s Day there was a conversation with several girls on Instagram and two girls were pondering where my daughter was since she wasn’t responding. One girl suggested she was dead, another suggested she was pregnant. Yes you read that right and these girls were 10. Do you think their parents monitor their Instagram? Doubtful.

My daughter has not yet found her tribe. She floats between different groups of girls and has some close friends. She does not have a best friend at the moment and she is trying to make me her best friend. This is achingly sweet, but let’s be honest I can’t be her BFF, I have to discipline her. She is very emotional right now and requires a lot of one on one time and I am juggling the chainsaws and kittens the best I can. Yesterday was a disaster.

We set time aside to go shopping in a mall. Let me just state this for the record – I hate to shop, especially at malls but this is my girl so I make time for it. We stopped at a friend’s house on the way which took longer than expected and as a result we had less time to shop. She had about 10 items on her list of things she wanted to do and we had time for maybe 7. When I told her it was time to go, a tear slid down her cheek and I got the instant whinny rebuttal from her. I felt a lava like rage boiling in my gut and I insisted that we had to go.

I won’t lie it was ugly and I wish I conducted myself differently. My initial fear was that I was raising a self entitled spoiled brat and that is oh so unacceptable. I told her we needed to leave and I walked at a very fast pace. She was a wreck. I did not yell but the anger was coming off of me like steam, it was palpable. She was crying before we got in the car.

My tone of voice and body language made it clear that I was angry and I wasn’t good at listening to why she was upset in the first few moments. I came to my own conclusion that my daughter was being a spoiled brat. That probably wasn’t entirely fair but it wasn’t completely off the mark either. So I stepped on to my soap box and told her how I will not tolerate a spoiled entitled child. I explained that I wanted her to focus on kindness, a work ethic, academics and not on shiny pretty things we get at the mall.

Then I droned on in a way that has made kids eyes roll for centuries. I told her that when I grew up, the only clothes I got were hand me downs from my cousins. In addition, I got one new outfit that my Nana would buy me in early September before school started each year. Then I realized that this conversation was taking a toll on her and I reminded my daughter that she is funny, smart and kind to animals and people and that I liked those things about her. I told her that I worried that she was too concerned about designer labels and material things…. Geezus it was just too much to put on 11 year old shoulders.

At the end of the day we were both calm and discussed better strategies for our next outing. We have determined that a prioritized list will help us stay on track and help us better focus our time. We both apologized to each other and ended the night with our usual tuck in – saying prayers, reviewing the best parts of the weekend, making plans before the final I love you for the night. So many teachable moments this weekend and sometimes it’s hard to keep my own brand of crazy out of the mix. My own childhood haunts me and I know it echos into my present parenting abilities. So as the teachable moments keep coming, I need to remind myself to stay teachable. Parenting is hard.

 

 

 

I’m Obsessed with Numbers…

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I’m Obsessed with Numbers…

Lately I’ve been obsessed with numbers – weight, age, finances and the big one, the blog related likes, views and comments. I don’t even math well so I’m not entirely in love with this obsession. I have to constantly give myself pep talks about the various numbers in my life.

The weight number, ugh. I don’t weigh the same as I did when I was 22, primarily because …..I am no longer 22. I know, duh, but I still obsess over the scale. Truth be told I have a one way abusive relationship with this apparatus. I weigh myself a few times a week….here are some of the conversations I had with the scale over the past several days: “Are you fucking kidding?!” “Yes!!!!!” and silent treatment with a defiant middle finger aimed at the scale display.  It’s not pretty but it’s honest.

Age yeah I know….it’s just a number right? Wrong. It’s a marker of time which pushes the needle closer to our own demise. I’m a realist folks and I’ve been a hospice volunteer for nearly 10 years….we are all going to die. That ascending number is a reminder, I have less time than I did a year ago. I know, depressing as hell, let’s move on.

Finances, well I leave most of that worry to my husband. Calm down he isn’t in charge because he is a man….he’s in charge because he is the most qualified one in the house. Before kids, I was a career gal, bought my own house, researched my 401K options…now not so much. I do have a small business that I run but honestly the numbers are so small at this point it isn’t a big deal.

The blog numbers….these are the greatest obsession of the moment. How many likes versus how many views. I lose my mind when the orange light is on – a comment, gasp, heart beats faster….I’m embarrassed to admit it. I tell myself that writing is cathartic, I do it for me, to tell my stories. That is true but I still want people to read the stories.

So…..if you have taken a moment to view, share, comment or like this post (or any of them), thank you!

 

 

Feral Dinosaur Toes…….

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Feral Dinosaur Toes…….

So I’m just going to put it out there…..my current shame……onychomycosis (on-ih-koh-my-KOH-sis) other wise known as toe nail fungus or what I lovingly refer to as feral dinosaur toes. It’s gross and somewhat uncomfortable and I have been hiding it under painted toe nails for years. I have tried the random home remedies – oregano oil, Vicks VapoRub, bleach….this fungus is persistent. I finally decided to be a grown up and deal with it head on when both big toe nails were about to fall off.

I shimmied into my big girl panties and went to the Podiatrist. If you haven’t been, it’s like going into a time machine. You may enter the waiting room as a 40 something hipster but you will leave feeling like a 87 year old infirm granny. My Podiatrist is great. He manages to make me feel like an equal whilst dealing with my toes of shame. He is honest and kind and has a sense of humor. I like those qualities in a human. He tells me that all the topical stuff is a waste of time and money. As for laser treatment, he snickers and does an eye roll at that one. Even the medicine he suggests has a cure rate of about 65% and those are the best odds. Knowing that I am not likely to dutifully apply eye of newt and chant every day, twice a day, for the next infinity…..I decide to investigate the oral medication.

My present situation is this…I am taking Terbinafine HCL (a generic form of oral Lamisil) to treat my moderate to severe case of ick. This medication is so intense that I had to have blood drawn to confirm that my liver is functioning properly. Fortunately, I haven’t been drinking in over 30 years so that sobriety thing is really paying off. When you read about this medication you just assume that it will kill you. The pros and cons list is pretty skewed but ultimately I want to get rid of this problem. It goes beyond pretty toes I want this fungus eradicated.

So in reading the precautions you are advised to avoid caffeine and sun exposure. This seems insurmountable but OK I will triple up on the sunblock and get some long sleeve light weight shirts. Avoid caffeine, well shit just got real. The no alcohol thing is not a problem but no morning cup o’ Joe well that seems extreme. I did some further reading and basically caffeine takes longer to leave the body while on this medicine. So in my selective reasoning, I have determined that I can have one cup of coffee early in the morning. Will have to see how that goes. The coffee may have to be shelved for a few months (who just typed that?). Whaaaaat??

For the pros…..I may lose my sense of taste. Yeah I know, this is listed as a con in the literature but momma needs to lose some weight so I’m going to look on the bright side. A little loss of taste wouldn’t necessarily be bad as long as it’s temporary. Insomnia is also a possible side effect. OK that sucks no getting around that. I am hoping that is due to the extended life this drug gives caffeine. So maybe if I drink just one cup of coffee early in the morning I will be alright? I realize I have just outed myself as the desperate coffee junkie that I am. Only time will tell. I have 3 doses in me so far so we will see how things progress……fingers and toes crossed.

 

 

 

What’s Your Superpower?

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What’s Your Superpower?

What’s your superpower? Wait, you don’t have one…..I bet you do. I bet there is something that you can do that eludes most of us. I’m not going to suggest that you have a superpower that is yours alone. I’m sure there is some overlap of powers out there. So I just want you to take a minute and pat yourself on the back for whatever that thing is that you do better than most.

I think we spend so much time comparing ourselves to the flawless pictures on social media. It’s easy to get sucked into that black hole of beauty and expectation that surrounds us all in our daily lives. Far too easy to feel bad for not measuring up. We do it to ourselves and our children soak it in like little sponges. As a parent I try to tame my crazy critical self around my kids so they don’t take on my personal quirks and anxieties. Yes I purposely censor my inner critic and try to keep my own brand of crazy tucked in. It doesn’t always work. They’re on to me and I suspect they know I would like to lose twenty pounds though I have never said it aloud in front of them. I try to put the focus on the fact that I work out consistently, 3 to 4 times a week. I place emphasis on the fact that I am strong and healthy. I won’t even get into my inner turmoil over aging naturally or fighting it with modern science…..I debate this one on a regular basis and I’m still undecided.

But back to the superpower…..my superpower is my willingness to go outside of my comfort zone. I will offer help in situations that I have no idea how to handle. I am secure enough to admit when something is too far beyond my comfort zone and I will ask for help or admit my short coming. I do this as a volunteer and as a business owner. I know it’s a little shocking for someone to admit when they are in over their head but I’m here to tell you it is OK.

I have a small business (super tiny – one woman show small). I basically provide help to people (and their pets). It’s a simple business which genuinely strives to help people. I started it a couple of years ago when I found it daunting to try and get back into the working world. I had been a SAHM for over a decade and I really needed to work again. It’s just a tad hard to get a job after 10 years out of a career during a dismal job market. So I took some time and thought about what I wanted to do. I decided that I wanted to work part time and model humility and a work ethic to my children and I have done that.

Right now my primary client is an 88 year old woman with dementia and mobility issues. I check in on her every day for a couple of hours and make sure she is safe and comfortable. She lives with her daughter who works full time. There have been times when I have walked into a literal shit storm. One day this week my sweet client was trying to wash out her poop filled Depends in the bathroom sink. She was extremely distraught when I got there and my first priority was to get her away from the poop to avoid further contamination and get her clean and comfortable. She was so upset that she was crying and apologizing to me. I remained calm, kept eye contact with her and told her that is was OK and that is wasn’t her fault. I got her settled and cleaned the mess. The one advantage of dementia is that you forget stuff. Within an hour my sweet lady forgot about this horrid incident and we went on with our day.

Another challenge I had this week involved a hospice visit. I have been a hospice volunteer since 2008 and this new patient will be one of my toughest. The patient is 47 (my age) and has several adult children and an 11 year old son (same age as one of my kids). I dreaded our visit this week. I have lost friends this age to cancer, this one was hitting me close to home.  I shed tears before I even met her. To top it off she wanted me to paint her toe nails which is something I generally suck at. But I showed up and offered to do it anyway and her toes looked pretty when I left. I soaked her feet and filed her nails. I rubbed lotion on her feet and we chatted like old friends. I left our visit uplifted which is the weird thing about hospice. It is incredibly rewarding in it’s own mystical way. I don’t question it. I just bring my willingness to go outside my comfort zone, my superpower. Tell me what is your superpower?

 

Missing My Friend

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Missing My Friend

Today is my friend’s 47th birthday….only problem is she died nearly two years ago so the celebration will be “low-key”. Grab a chair, your coffee and some tissues and I’ll tell you about her.

I became friends with Christine when our boys were in preschool. I had heard about her from a friend who lived down the street from her. I even stopped by her house once or twice when I was visiting our mutual friend. This woman held an open house every day. If you or your kids were around you were welcome to visit, stay for dinner. She had an entire family move in once for a few months as they prepared to move back to Europe.

Christine was smart, kind and generous. I know everyone says this about their friends but I’m telling you she took it to a whole other level. She was also an M.D. so validation on the smart comment. I bet she was the best doctor ever. I can imagine her listening to her patients with love and humor and thinking of them well past the visit. She was definitely the kind that would check in on her flock.

Sadly, by the time we got close her days of practicing medicine were in the rear view mirror. Though she would still yell at you and make sure you got treatment if she thought you needed it. She could be stubborn and persistent. One time I mentioned that the back of my right knee felt swollen. I was immediately told to drop my pants so she could exam me. You didn’t say no to Christine. Since I had a history of pregnancy related blood clots she sent me straight to ER and placed some calls to make sure I would get the A team regardless of which doctors were actually on call that day. Truth be told she would have done that for anyone that crossed her path.

She collected people in the manner that others collect bells, stamps or whatever the hell people collect……except no one was left on the shelf, ever. If there was a party everyone was invited, EVERYONE within a 50 mile radius. Her parties were big, loud, fun and filled with her people.

She treated everyone with kindness and generosity. She could make friends anywhere – playground, waiting room, hospital, gas station….anywhere. Once you were her friend you were in the inner circle which was rather large. The only flaw I can find beyond the persistent stubborn nature was she liked to hear gossip. Whenever we spoke on the phone one of the first things out of her month was “what’s the latest gossip?” This was in no way to be mean she didn’t have an ounce of mean in her she was just inquisitive by nature and probably wanted a change of scenery from her daily grind of personal medical issues.

Soon after she gave birth to her son, she found out she had a rare cancer. Surgery was performed and the cancer was determined to be severe and rare. By the time we became close she had been through years of chemo, radiation and every other aggressive treatment known to mankind to treat her. She was a fighter. Unfortunately, the aggressive treatments permanently harmed her heart. To the point where she had some extra parts inserted inside her chest to keep things pumping. Even that didn’t go smooth as one of the “parts” was determined to be defective and was known to fray in which case she would have about half an hour to get to the hospital if she had any hope of survival. She was 35 when that happened.

Can you imagine? Here you are a beloved MD with a thriving private practice…….you have a young daughter and a new husband, with whom you have an infant son and BAM your world implodes. To make matters worse her father was diagnosed with a different but equally aggressive cancer within a week of Christine. WTF universe?

So when our boys were in the same small preschool class she had been dealing with this medical shit storm for 5 years. She had a damn good handle on it but at this point her father was dying. I never met the man but my God in the descriptions he sounds like Santa Claus, Jimmy Buffet and your favorite comedian wrapped up into one fun loving kind soul. The first day I met Christine’s mom was the day he died…..I hugged mother and daughter with everything I had.

A few days later there was a memorial in Christine’s house celebrating her father’s life…..hundreds of people were there. Two weeks after that the annual Christmas Party took place on schedule because these people knew the value of living in the moment and celebrating life…..right here, right now…..do not postpone joy.

I remember one day we joined our boys on a preschool field trip and she told me some of the details of her medical situation. She flat out told me “I probably won’t make it past his 10th birthday”. Of course I didn’t want to believe her but I trusted her judgement….she was after all a doctor and a level headed woman. That conversation is burned in my brain. Sadly her predication was pretty accurate.

When the boys were in 1st grade the world started to crumble yet again. I think it was the spring when she called and told me she had cancer again. Different area same shitty disease. She cried on the phone I just said how sorry I was that she was going through this again. Not sure of what kind of a cheer leader I was but she knew I was available to do whatever she needed.

At one point I went to visit her in NYC at Memorial Sloan Kettering. I just wanted to let her know I was there for her with whatever she needed. As I was leaving she asked me if she was going to be OK…..I put on the best game face I had and without hesitation I said “absolutely” with a certainty that I didn’t actually have but wanted so bad.

The last two years of her life were incredibly difficult and fraught with a series of medical issues that would have taken a lesser person down in an instant. She went through broken bones, blood clots, countless chemo and radiation treatments. All the while she kept her kids on track. She was planning her daughter’s college prep sending her to Ivy League summer programs when she was a Sophomore in High School. By the way that girl was Valedictorian at her High School Graduation. She is a kindhearted genius like her mom and if anyone has a shot a curing cancer my money is on her.

She made sure her son had a close circle of friends and family at all times. We are still around loving him like he is an adopted son….and his father is doing a great job in the parenting department. In her last years, she planned and attended multiple trips to Disney, Hershey Park, Atlantis……she made as many happy memories as she could while she was here…..because she knew she only had a short time to squeeze in a lifetime of love and laughter.

So my dear Christine I wish you a happy birthday in heaven where surely you have collected more friends and are nurturing the other angels around you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’d Like To Thank The Academy…….

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I’d Like To Thank The Academy…….

Stands tall, chest puffed, with a flick of my right hand on my left shoulder…..I would like to thank the academy (aka Darla Halyk of New World Mom’s) for my Liebster Award. For those that don’t know what that is (slowly shakes head from side to side with a sad tsk, tsk, tsk)…..it is a fabulous fun way for bloggers to support each other. Without further ado and the elegant wave of my magic wand (no it isn’t a vibrator…or is it?) I present my Liebster Award – Featured image

And now here is the question/answer portion of the award. Thank you Darla Halyk for the nomination and questions:

My 11 questions are as follows:

1) Why did you start writing/blogging? I have a lot of stories to tell and it seemed like the right time. My Facebook friends have encouraged me to start a blog…..and one day I happened to meet a fabulous blogger in the FLESH.  Leah Vidal of Little Miss Wordy and I became fast friends after we met at a school function. The idea started to take shape and before I knew it I had entered into the blogosphere (that’s a word right?).

2) If you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would it be? Too hard, pass. Oh wait I assume that is frowned upon. I’d probably sit with my Nana for another round of Kings Corners.

3) If you could play any sport professionally what would it be? Roller Derby. I can skate like a dancing queen but those bitches are 100% bad ass.

4) What is your favourite quote?“To thine own self be true.”  William Shakespeare

5) What is your favourite album (front to back) of all time? Damn really tough questions here….honest it depends on my mood. The one I played most consistently was Fiona Apple – Tidal. A close second is the soundtrack from Ain’t Misbehavin’ featuring Nell Carter.

6) Who is your biggest role model? I don’t have one. However, I have been fortunate to have several mentors throughout the course of my life. Sadly the most recent one passed away about 3 years ago at the tender age of 93. So if you know any bad ass females over the age of 90 looking to mold a young whipper snapper let me know.

7) What cheers you up? Music, friends, exercise and laughter. Oh and travel I love to travel!

8) Do you believe in love at first sight? I believe in lust at first sight….a little skeptical on the love at first sight thing.

9) What is the best compliment you have ever received? I have been called a good egg a few times. Anytime I get compliments regarding my children I kind of glow a little (mom nerd).

10) Do you trust anyone with your life? No humans, just a God of my understanding.

11) What is your favourite word? Resilient

And now for the next round of victims bloggers…..should you accept the challenge (of course you should) there are some rules:

  1. Acknowledge and thank the blog who nominated you.
  2. Look for an award image that you like, and post it on your blog
  3. Answer the 11 questions asked by the person/blog who nominated you.
  4. Nominate 11 blogs
  5. Let the bloggers know that you nominated them.
  6. Give them 11 questions to answer.

Now it is my turn to nominate 11 people. Damn don’t hate on me bloggers some of you have likely already done this and I apologize in advance if this is your 2nd, 3rd or 74th Liebster Award Nomination. Just know that if you don’t do this a pack of feral trolls will visit you on the evening of the next full moon and tickle you in your sleep until you pee yourself or maybe ………nothing will happen. Ask yourself if you are feeling lucky and roll the life dice….

1. Jacqueline Whitney of http://www.findingmyverse.com/

2. Kathy Radigan of http://mydishwasherspossessed.com/

3. Denise Thomas of http://callthemidlife.com/my-period-is-like-a-drunk-at-the-bar/#comment-97

4. Leah Vidal of https://littlemisswordy.wordpress.com/2015/05/20/the-red-string-of-fate/

5. Mandy Hoefert Waysman of http://www.ohmandelynn.com/

6. Gena Scott Hassett of http://whatsfordinnergena.com/

7. Nancy Lowell of http://chefslastdiet.com/

8. Sassafrass Meghan of http://sassafrass76.com/2015/05/28/oops-i-did-it-again/

9. Jennifer Connolly of http://www.awellstyledlife.com/

10. Mickey Mouse of http://www.nomoreblogs.com/

11. James Brown of http://www.ifeelgoodimade11.com/

Ok so now comes the exciting part where I reveal the 11 questions for the lucky bloggers I listed above…who are all real by the way (except for maybe 2).

1. Do you have a recurring dream?

2. Where is your favorite place to visit?

3. What do you think is the most underrated quality in modern society?

4. If you could live in any time period, which would you pick?

5. Funny or serious?

6. What is your number one pet peeve?

7. Dogs or cats?

8. If you could have one super power what would it be?

9. Favorite thing about yourself?

10. On a scale of one to ten how much do you hate the Liebster Award (and btw, so so sorry)?

11. What is your number one fear?

Thanks again to Darla Halyk from New World Mom’s http://blogirl.info/darla6/ for passing along the Liebster Award. Apologies for any and all mistakes made in passing this torch. Still new at this and have the tech skills of a 4th grader from 1992.