Category Archives: online shopping

It’s a Deathtrap

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It’s a Deathtrap

It’s been a rough few days. Late last week I had a physical and I walked out of there with the trifecta of future appointments – mammogram, treadmill stress test and a colonoscopy. I hit 50 hard last month and apparently 50 hits back. I also got some bad news about my cholesterol which is high and has to be monitored. I come from a family which has lots of heart disease. I left the doctors office in a mood that can be described as “we’re all going to die”.Then I went home and took care of people because that’s what moms do. Over the weekend I distracted myself by shopping for swimsuits online.

Getting packages in the mail usually comes with some level of anticipation, unless it’s swimwear then it’s dread. It started out innocently enough, I was preparing for a family trip and decided to get some swimwear. Now I wasn’t entirely naive about the process, I despise putting on a bathing suit. I hate it so much that I have avoided it all together for the past three years. My family is about to embark on a once in a lifetime trip and I refuse to let vanity and insecurity sideline me. I need to get over myself and squeeze into something that resembles swimwear, perhaps from the Amish line.

I did what modern women do and went shopping online. Let’s be honest for a minute, is there a fresher hell than trying on swimsuits in a department store dressing room?  No there isn’t (OK side burner war, childhood diseases, man buns, poorly dressed baby goats, misogamy, racism and all the crime in the world for a moment) bathing suit shopping is awful and is made worse by florescent lights and the knowledge that some store security guard is watching you. No thanks, I’ll pay for shipping on returns if I have to in order to avoid being burned into Edna’s memory of most ridiculous customers.

I was cautiously optimistic when I began. I wasn’t opting for the Brazilian thong with a bandeau top (wireless). Those days are behind me (*sniff*sniff*) I went straight to modest yet modern swim skirts and tankini tops. I was pleasantly surprised when I found a swim skirt I like and it actually looked kind of cute. I felt cautiously optimistic, thinking my biggest challenge was behind me (wink) and I went to search for a top.

I found the top from a different company. A plain, yet seemingly well designed tankini top in black, should work fine with the aforementioned cute skirt. I took it out of the bag, it doesn’t resemble a 15th century torture device, so I decided to try it on. OMFG this thing is the stuff of nightmares. During my first attempt I was spun into some weird web of clothing denial. I thought I must have done something wrong, this can’t be right. It was only half on, yet it took the skills of a disjointed acrobat to wiggle my way out of there.

I checked the size, listened for encroaching family members and dove in for round two. OH FFS are they kidding me? No, flippin’ way. I was determined and soldiered through and managed to get this tankini from hell on my body over most of the right parts. Thank G-d it didn’t look good, if it did I may have been tempted to keep it beyond all logic.

Fear started to creep in. You know how it is when you’re watching a scary movie and you hear those first high pitched piano notes…something awful is about to happen and you go into high alert. Is it hiding in the drapes, crouched down near the sofa, OMG he’s behind me, isn’t he!!! And I realize I need to get out of this despicable garment without destroying it. Fantasies of shredding it Hulk style were replaced by the need to develop an exit strategy.

I looked at myself in the full length mirror, took a deep breath and determined the best course of action. Getting this top over “the girls” was particularly challenging. I’m a C-cup so we aren’t talking porn star breasts or anything unusual. Visions of me twisting my upper body to release the twins seemed like a bad idea. I wondered how it was that Harry Houdini could escape shackles in a water tank under duress and I struggled to get out of a bathing suit. I opted for the top down method. I released myself from the straps and rolled it down to my waist and kept going until I was free. The entire task likely lasted under five minutes and felt like a lifetime. The search continues…

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Oh Gag Me (Gifts)

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Oh Gag Me (Gifts)

Are you like me? Do you hate shopping with actual people, in real stores? Rest, my anti-social friend….grab a cup of whatever you drink and join me. I hate shopping. I have been concerned that my woman card would be taken from me over this but so far, so good. I have varying degrees of hate for shopping. My worst nightmare excursion would be Black Friday shopping at the King of Prussia Mall. Online shopping, not so bad.

Buying gifts is tricky business and I lack in the consistency department. I love it when I find what I think is the perfect gift for someone. It’s a great feeling when you know you’ve nailed it. Sadly that doesn’t happen often – most times I’m winging it, hoping the gift is practical or appropriate. One thing I actually enjoy shopping for is gag gifts. This time of year they are “White Elephant” gifts. The price limits vary by event – I’ve noted some of my personal favorites. Sorry for the Amazon links….I’ve accepted that Jeff Bezos is the New World Leader (Prime Member y’all):

The People of Walmart 2018 Calendar – This is tacky perfection that I didn’t know existed…I may have squealed a little when I stumbled on this – https://www.amazon.com/2018-People-Walmart-Boxed-Calendar/dp/1492650013/ref=as_li_ss_il?ie=UTF8&linkCode=li3&tag=whiteelephant03-20&linkId=f110107df92005e72407d997d653f907

Adult Coloring Books – I still don’t know how this crap caught on and yet here we are – coloring books for grownups is a thing. I prefer the ones with naughty words and plenty of snark. These vary in intensity – I’ve selected one of the tamer versions. https://www.amazon.com/Make-Life-Your-Bitch-Motivational/dp/1540633616/ref=sr_1_11?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1511562498&sr=1-11&keywords=adult+coloring+books

Beer Belly Fanny Pack or Belly Pack – This has a bit of an ick factor and really who would actually use this – still it’s funny. https://www.ericdress.com/product/Ericdress-Creative-Beer-Belly-Design-Dad-Waist-Pack-12999109.html?currency=USD&gclid=CjwKCAiAo9_QBRACEiwASknDwW-NNDAcreP8oSD-no0-lLm_wq7-YuEKjVIS4KtiKWupPSp_5byUUxoCZSMQAvD_BwE#5420834&tb_from=paid_adwords_shopping&adword_mt=&adword_ct=93280202675&adword_kw=&adword_pos=1o3&adword_pl=&adword_net=g&adword_tar=&adw_id=7162179455_351227435_24926471315_pla-66403242728

Sarcastic socks – These make me unreasonably happy. The possibilities are endless – If you can read this….Fetch me wine/chocolate/Xanax (I made that last one up) and a plethora of pretty socks with curses on them (why yes I do own several pairs)….sadly this one is sold out. https://www.joyofsocks.com/products/i-hate-everyone-too-socks-womens?utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=googlepla&variant=37611290561&gclid=CjwKCAiAo9_QBRACEiwASknDwTa7No5yNPUF-lvyktQjos9yfkSpkhF-OKXXwOI_RpvwR7_NqFDhPhoCWLUQAvD_BwE

Tipsy Elf – I spent an obscene amount of time looking at their offerings today. Perfect for the ugly sweater holiday party. I like the sweater with Santa’s face which has – “Ask Your Mom If I’m Real” framing Santa’s face. Lots to choose from here if you’re so inclined. https://www.tipsyelves.com/?gclid=CjwKCAiAo9_QBRACEiwASknDwWJcdAFBqCVIi8IJ5Yewv85sOZN1yWHhHVoU147Ny-szfmJEBiBUHhoC6mUQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

And bonus – you can buy any of these items online, like God intended. Happy-Whatever-You-Celebrate.